Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be brave this week, in the face of adversity.
Once you're done with that you can go to town and be as cowardly as you like again.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're busted! You've been doing tarot cards, haven't you, and have skipped a few weeks!
Don't be too surprised if, lying in bed at night, Mars looks like it's headed for a collision course with your house.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is your week to bask in the sunshine. If you don't have any sunshine on hand, you might want to use one of those self-tanning things.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Bread can mean money, it can mean happiness, it can also, you know, mean bread.
Actually, I've rarely heard it mean happiness, but I'm sure you could try.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It will be sunshine and roses for you this week.
So make sure you thank a damn star, next time you see one.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Rely on your good looks, quick wit, and charm to get you by this week.
And then rely on something else... we'll call it luck, to get you a backrub by the end of the week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will spend the week in a corset.
This will be an uncomfortable week. At least so I've been told.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Man oh man, do I ever really dislike that shirt you're wearing this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Pickles and peanuts are not a good combination this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Surprisingly, some might say, you still have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Ever notice how it gets really, really quiet just before a storm?
Well here's a tip for the week: if you don't sit around listening to the air you won't get as wet as you normally do.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will follow the advice of the wizard this week.
Which is, ehm, "yes." You don't get much for a quarter these days.
[Horoscopes. They're not Spurs, but thanks be that they won.]
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