Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your socks look funny this week.
Except Monday, which this horoscope doesn't cover.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Due to the shortened scope of these horoscopes (Monday was a bit of a blank day) you expect them to be even more wildly accurate than ever before.
At 3.15 (AM) on Thursday you will have a dream about swimming in an aquarium in a pet store.
Other than that, well, the pressure's getting to us too much, we have to pass, sorry, man*.
* Non-gender specific, of course.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You notice that the horoscopes cover even less than is assumed in the previous horoscope... as it appears to be Tuesday evening on Tuesday, if you're in civilised parts of the world (at the very earliest, anyway).
We could have predicted you were going to be suspicious this week, Mercury is in your sign this week. It also carries slight pedantic tendencies with it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A lot of people think burping is rude, but you know what, sometimes it just feels good. You know?
Tickle a ferret this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You should know better.
Get me some popcorn if you're going to the snack bar, too, okay?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
It will be partly cloudy for the remainder of your week.
This means that it will probably actually be cloudy Wednesday for a half an hour, sunny the rest of the time, pour it down with rain on Thursday and Friday, and then be sunny to the point of being far too sunny on Saturday.
Sunday it will snow.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Hey you!
How's it going? Well? Cool. Cool.
So, ehm, that horoscope last week, funny, eh?
You will be very forceful this week. And friendly, on the phone, like.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The monkeys have returned!
The creative impulse of Saturn failing, it pulls out the old favourite, and monkeys descend upon your house, whisking you away to New Jersey.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The main reason you never had a bobble-head doll made up of yourself is because you were afraid it might have voodoo doll-like properties attached to it.
This fear is justified when your bobble-head doll of David Foster Wallace falls in the toilet and you still don't like Infinite Jest.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Doo dee doo, doo dee doo.
So, no horoscope, hey?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This is a pie sort of week for you.
Lucky.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are not Jimmy Connors, remember that, this week.
You are also not John McEnroe. This is another good thing to remember.
Disregard this horoscope if you are, in fact, either of those two people.
[Horoscopes. Hey! They're back. Cool.]
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