Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be extremely lucky in love this week.
Which probably isn't quite as good for the wallet as, say, being lucky in Las Vegas, but hey, different strokes for different folks.
Blue is your colour this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A door to an alternate universe will open to you this week.
Be very wary of Argentineans bearing fruit.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
In your case, Argentineans bearing fruit are a good sign. Still be wary of them, that should almost go without saying, but at least take heart from their appearance.
Good men (and/or women, though I don't think I've quite heard that saying before) may be hard to find, but try finding a Sherpa in Boston Harbour, that's really hard.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be visited by three wise men this week... oh, wait, wrong story.
You will be visited this week by two occasionally wise people (at least humour them if they claim to be wise). They will tell you the roast pork is delicious (and it is).
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Yours is a shaggy dog story this week.
A big slobbery one.
Bibs may come in handy.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
It will all be worth it.
You will bronze very quickly this week, starting, oh, say, Friday afternoon or so.
And you'll pick out a very lucky scratch card on Wednesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your brother shall someday call you when he says he will.
Or implies that he will, anyway, as he may not have come straight out and actually said it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
D.
That is a very cryptic horoscope, isn't it?
Sort of Thomas Pynchon-like.
You will wind up in Malta, as they all do.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The stars move in mysterious ways, especially if you're not an astronomer.
If you're an astronomer you just have to sort of keep messy notes, and then they seem to move in mysterious ways, too.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like a stone skipping across the water, you also have no horoscope.
And will sink, eventually, if someone hurls you at a large body of water.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will have to kill your best friend this week.
This may, of course, make it a one-way sort of best friend, as most people may think twice, or even three times, about being friends with someone who's trying to kill them, but it's what the stars say, right?
Oh, or they may be saying to buy your best friend an ice cream. One or the other.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are caught between three countries this week.
It's like Russian roulette, only none of this involves a gun. Or Russia.
[Horoscopes. These guys really like this guy. Also, a fond farewell to the Stockley Park Massive.]
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