Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are going to have some sort of obsession with grapes this week.
I'd stay away from the sofa, just to be safe. Otherwise you may finally come to understand why they covered them with plastic in the 70s.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Speaking of plastic, and the 70s, you'll be spending lots of money this week.
And that is where we're at with that.
Smile for any cameras this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There will be a certain tingle in the air this week.
It may prompt you to say things like, "Perfect weather for pumpkin pie baking," and similar things.
You may wish to stay at home quite a lot this week, then.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
I sense a great disturbance in the Force, ehm, Gemini.
This is probably a good sign that it's okay to go out shopping this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
What the hell happened last week? Where were you?
With that kind of behaviour you're lucky you get a horoscope at all!
You smell slightly of cheese this week. Smelly cheese.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So people may have copped on.
You're still damn cute this week.
By Saturday, it will all be fixed.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will receive a phone call this week, from the East. Or from the West, if you go around far enough.
Because of the international dateline, we can't guarantee phone calls on or near the end of the week will get there in time. Allow four to eight weeks shipping and handling, void if you feel dizzy.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You shall wake up Thursday with only a chocolate-stained napkin by your bed and the odd feeling that something went horribly, horribly wrong.
Libra September 23 - October 22
It will be a week that you will never forget.
Or, if you're more of a self-determination sort of person, you will make it a week you'll never forget.
Either way, waking up on Wednesday, only to find you're on-stage in Tokyo playing lead guitar for Aerosmith is a little disconcerting.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope. At least you don't smell like cheese.
Like Capricorn. But then maybe you'd like that sort of thing. Would you like that sort of thing?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll get free computer support help this week.
Saturn says it has a problem with that hat you're wearing.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Put on your swim trunks, we're goin' swimming!
This may be metaphorical, or this may be literal.
You are feeling sleepy, very very sleepy... you will soon drift away and then wake up and get in a car and eat some breakfast. It just may not all happen in that order.
[Horoscopes. For you kiddies that like living on the edge, there's a new version of Safari out. This site looks pretty spiffy in that, or Omniweb (who also have a new version out).]
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