Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have trouble with pants this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Word of warning, Tauri will be having trouble with pants this week, you may wish to avert your eyes now.
You, on the other hand, manage your pants fine this week.
Custard and cream is your favourite, as of Monday evening.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your best course of action this week is to go to the zoo.
Just don't go to the reptile house, in the hopes that your lack of patronage will get it through to the zookeepers that you don't want to see reptiles, even if they are caged and could potentially morph into dinosaurs again someday and trample all our cities under their big, slimey feet.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be very careful entering the living room this week.
By Thursday, even though you'll have been very careful all week, entering the living room, you'll have slipped on the wall-to-wall covering of peeled grapes someone's put all over your floor!
This is a strong case for the inevitability of Fate.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll be tickled orange this week, which is slightly better than pink, albeit a lot more embarrassing.
It's a good time to eat pasta with really messy sauce.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are now officially a member of the mile high club.
When it comes to horoscopes, anyway.
You are in danger of being bear-hugged to death this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're nuts.
Cashews, to be specific. Wild, salted cashew nuts.
This still doesn't stop you from jogging the hell out of... whatever it is that suffers when you jog.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You finally buy bananas this week.
This almost makes up for last week's thing with the monkeys.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Mercury is very happy for you and your new hairpiece.
It looks remarkably like a raccoon-skin cap.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Think of it this way, amoeba also born in your star sign also don't actually have a horoscope either.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Kumquats! You never hear so much about kumquats these days.
Okay, so I did, last week or so, but it was a passing reference.
You might want to, like, spread the word, or something, this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are waiting for your soul to catch up with the rest of your body.
See Pattern Recognition for the reference. That was Jupiter, with that reference. Name-dropping pseudo-intellectual large planet.
[Horoscopes. Do like the kids do, take this quiz...]
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