Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've been wanderin' for a long, long time, with no food and no warmth, just the clothes on your back.
This week is more of the same, only you pick up a stray dog named 'Biff.'
Leo July 23 - August 22
You notice (acutely) that the previous horoscope looks suspiciously like something out of a country and western song.
For this, you're awarded the gold star this week! Whoopee!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You spot a very nerdy looking Leo parading around with a big gold star.
While this is annoying, you choose to live and let live, as you're that sort of person.
Until they start humming "We are the Champions."
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You witness a Virgo leap on a hapless Leo and start wailing the stuffing out of them.
You'd just in to help, but, well, you've been making eyes at a Capricorn all day, and it's really going to throw your concentration if you need to wade in and stop a fight.
Besides, the Leo looked a little smarmy, anyway and probably deserved the beating.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're sitting in a café. Minding your own business.
Across the way, some weird Gemini is making eyes at you... it's flattering, but also quite off-putting.
The next thing you know they're running across the way and tackling you!
Oh, wait, no, other way around, you've gone and tackled them... that'll show them, anyway.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
All this inter-horoscope intrigue is making you thirsty.
That and all the sun and clear skies, those are making you thirsty, too.
And the beach. And bikinis. Very very thirsty.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have a difficult time adjusting this week.
It's up to you, by your divine right of free will and all that to determine what it is you will have difficulty adjusting or adjusting to.
Aries March 21 - April 19
There is no hope this week.
Because hope is the thing with wings, as Emily Dickinson would have you believe, and you were quite cross last week with all the flies around and smashed every little thing with wings.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This is a week for career moves.
You like strawberry ice cream this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You win an Oscar this week, but have to return it 48 hours later because you have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will have a successful week in business.
With marmosets, however, you're in real trouble.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Retreat to your safe haven from the media this week.
If you have a safe haven from the weather and money worries and things like that you might want to consider hiding out there...
And wine, if you have a safe haven with wine that would be even better... and with Clare girls (or boys, depending on your preference) in bikinis, that would also be good.
[Horoscopes. So very very cool.]
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