Taurus April 20 - May 20
You were really hoping for panthers to be mentioned in your horoscope this week.
Well, we're sorry, but you're out of luck.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If your week were cotton candy, where would you store it?
If your answer was "in the garage," we're revoking your cotton candy handling privileges. And if you changed your mind after that last sentence, we're still revoking them. That's no way to treat cotton candy (candy floss for those Australian Leos).
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Hopefully, you got away from that nasty space fireball thing that obliterated your house last week.
This week you will have a tea party.
It'll be difficult, as all your tea stuff tended to react badly to being hit by the space fireball, but you manage to find bits of ceramic without too much dust on them to sort of hold the tea in.
If you live in New England you might as well forget it and just hold a tea-flavoured popsicle party, instead.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Saturn predicts that big Twister (tm) game you've been anticipating for months and months, coming up Saturday evening, is going to end in disaster for you and your lower lumbar.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Capricorns, it is little known, are wildly unpopular, and hence weren't invited to the Twister (tm) party mentioned in the preceding horoscope.
Scarfing tubs of ice cream have been proven to give you the most intense, mind-blowing ice cream headaches that you'll probably forget all about that lack of popularity.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You should wear a bikini around the house this week.
Yes, you guy-Cancerians, as well.
Do not, I repeat, do not attempt any child-snatching this week, no matter how adorable they are and how happy the parents are to let you take them... think of how you're going to get it on board the plane... you can't carry those things on, you know.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Omigod!
Oh, whew. For a second, I thought I was about to be attacked by some weird sort of blue poisonous snake. Turns out it's just an ethernet cable... it's okay, everyone can relax now.
The lesson for you this week: it may just be an ethernet cable. Then again, it may be a deadly poisonous blue snake. You can never be too careful, I say.
Aries March 21 - April 19
'Judge not, lest ye be judged.'
This week that holds especially true, since those wigs will fail, utterly, to match with anything you wear.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This is a joining sort of week for you, you feel the need to join something.
But you know how the stars are. That's right, fickle. So you might want to join something that'll only require one week at a time commitments.
Like cricket. But then I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
*wssshhhh wssssh whsssh*
(That the sound of... wait, we already did that one. Well, a variation, anyway. That's the sound of little kids making airplane noises (wrong, of course, dumb kids) as they run through this big empty space.)
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You begin to notice that there is a lot of dirt in the world. Something geologists probably run into every day.
If you are a geologist, you may think you've just gotten a raw deal of a horoscope.
However, it's not every week even geologists get a dump truck full of dirt dumped (as they do) in their car!
Unless you do tend to get that sort of stuff all the time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I know that last chocolate trifle might look okay, but the sell-by date is sometime in 2001, so I would stay away.
You will be very very lucky Monday evening. Around ten to seven. And then throughout the week.
[Horoscopes. A sad day for at least a certain generation, anyway. And probably more than that.]
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