Taurus April 20 - May 20
Oh man, we're running, like, so late.
And so will you, this week.
Which always makes me stop and think, and walk a little slower, because if you're late there's no point being all out-of-breath and everything, is there?
Leo July 23 - August 22
You! Over here, now!
Ehm, that's it, really, just trying to get everyone organised this week... it can be a nightmare sometimes, you know.
Your week will smell of tulips.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you sit on the fence between this one and another sign there's a really good chance you might want to have a crack at pretending to be that other sign this week.
A massive space fireball comes crashing down on your house this week.
See what we mean?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your week's goodness quotient is all in the flick of the wrist.
Finesse over power, is all I'll say, in the hopes that I don't have to visit a few millions Geminis in the hospital with broken wrists next week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
So we're running late this morning, and, like, all I can think as I'm bolting out the door (yes, I write these outside, for inspiration) is, "Hey, man, what's it all about, anyway?"
Well, in your case, it's all about leaves of grass this week.
And before you correct me and go all nutty on me, look, I know it's blades of grass, but I was trying to maybe raise the level of these things a bit, you see?
Your week will be italicised.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Is a squirrel in the forest still beautiful when there's no squirrel partner around to observe them?
Yes.
You should probably look into something for that DIY rash you've got... it may be catching. And besides, you're a squirrel.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, okay, you've proved your point, yes, you're very good at following the horoscopes, and you've run 'till you dropped.
This week, you will jump off a bridge. Just kidding. Really.
This week you will sit around the house a lot. And you will stop thinking about jumping off the bridge. If you must, build a small one out of toothpicks or something and leap off that.
Aries March 21 - April 19
That tin of baked beans is well past it's expiration date.
Was, anyway. You have some interesting, Coleridge-esque dreams following the consumption of the baked beans.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You narrowly escape a massive space fireball crashing down on your house this week.
Also, you go shopping and buy a new hat. Which is preferable to being crushed by a giant space fireball.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
*whssssssssh whssssssssssh wsssssssssssh*
(That's the sound of the wind whistling through this big empty space.)
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're given a piece of mind this week.
It came off the black market, and is rumoured to have belonged to Kevin Bacon.
This week will come to an end a bit short, on Wednesday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Great things are afoot for you.
And you've got big(ish) feet, so good on you, you're well-prepared!
Nice haircut.
[Horoscopes. Now, I knew the Simpsons were clever, but this proves it.]
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