Taurus April 20 - May 20
'Blueberry' is your keyword for the week.
Or was that 'mango'?
I can't remember... one is for your week, the other is for free vouchers on some sort of organic perfume stuff.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Aggggh! I've something in my eye! I've something in my eye!
Oh, sorry, my mistake, it was just a cranberry.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
"What the hell is up with all the small fruits," you may find yourself asking (asking yourself or possibly expecting us to respond through the ether or something).
Don't do this when there are people around to hear, they may think you're a bit crazy...
You will look with suspicion on the raisins in your yoghurt.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You're probably paid peanuts.
While you're not overly impressed that the stars knew this, they're accurate, anyway.
Unfortunately, times are tight all around, and they're not about to dish out some extra cash on you. Because then, you see, they'd have to give out money to everyone.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You get the most amazingly painful diaper rash this week.
Which is awkward, to say the least, if you're older than the age of three, and parents, if your three year old is reading the Sane Magazine horoscopes you really might want to be paying a little bit more attention to your youngster, as occasionally we're a bit wanton in our use of small fruits in contexts that they otherwise should not be used in.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Last week you almost ruined the perfectly fine new shiney horoscope writing application by outputting all sorts of @!!><³ characters all over the place, rendering the horoscopes nearly unintelligible.
Some might say you were trying to sabotage them, that you might be in the pay of evil competitors to the Sane Magazine horoscopes!
Others might say you're distracting and far, far too attractive to be a saboteur... however, that may all just be part of the plan...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's not the grapes fault they've been associated with sourness.
Well, it is their fault, because they're sour, and so the analogy was drawn, but, ehm, err. I've lost the point.
Anyway, have a safe week and refuse to be dragged under any ladders by your toes.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You remember those heady days when you romped around with pirates and people like that.
Oh, and monkeys. Oh yeah, those were the days all right.
You will find interesting things to do with paperclips this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Right. Anyway.
What're you looking at?
Oh, right, your horoscope.
Well, for pete's sake, look, you're going to get rich or pregnant or something this week, just step out of the way of the television, okay?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You've got soul, brother.
Unfortunately, you still have no horoscope, so there's that.
Maybe if you didn't have a soul it wouldn't bug you so much.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
010011100110111101110100011010
000110100101101110011001110010
000001100010011010010110011100
101100001000000111001001100101
011000010110110001101100011110
0100101110, by the way, was your code from last week.
Anyway, this week you're rather busy, as someone's moved in next door that happens to have a cat catapult, and you'd always wanted to play with a cat catapult.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be covered in paint and all sweaty by the end of the week. Perhaps at the whole of the week end, in fact.
Hopefully it's edible chocolate paint or something and not gloss paint, which is something you most definitely can not eat, trust me, I've been there, man.
[Horoscopes. Make your Mac OS X machine faster! Like Cray-style faster...]
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