Taurus April 20 - May 20
I don't know what's wrong with the horoscope machine, it seems to be stuck...
Gum, you see, in the little wheelie thing.
The one that has something to do with Taurus, sorry.
Your week will probably be okay regardless, right? Don't step on any cracks. Break your mother's back, that will. Or, wait, maybe that was for Cancer...
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't stop, thinkin' about tomorrow.
Doo, doo, dee dee dee dee doo, doop.
And you won't, you know.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There is no escaping from it: you weren't hallucinating, the garbage can did move.
And that rolling pin you're holding is well justified. Or is going to be soon...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Man it's late. What're you doing up, anyway?
Real late. I mean, if I were a kid, I'd be thrilled that I was up at this hour and no one had noticed. But I'm not, and neither are you.
Although if you are a kid, you've just blown your cover, so get to bed, now.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A rare breed of scorpion finds it's way into your bedroom this week.
Sure, some people might call it a dust bunny when you show it to them, but what do they know? Scorpions can be devious sometimes, you've heard.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You nearly violate space-time and common-sensical laws of looking good-i-tude this week, with a strong start on Monday, simmering on into the middle of the week, smoldering through the middle and burning a hole right through it by the end.
This annoys some people, the giant burn hole in their week, but you can't please 'em all, can you?
Oh yeah, and: -.--Ê---Ê..-Ê.----.Ê.-.Ê.Ê/ Ê--Ê-.--Ê/ Ê..-.Ê.-Ê...-Ê---Ê..-Ê.-.Ê..Ê-Ê.Ê.-.-.-
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Does anyone have any idea what the groundhog did?
While I was staring up at the stars, reading your horoscope, I completely missed it.
Anyway, your week is going to be spent ringing in to the Sane Magazine offices trying to get ahold of me to tell me what happened. Sorry, but our phone system's a bit of a mess.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You look like a fruit salad this week.
And not one of those ones out of the can that are all squishy and sort of gelatinous. No.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You are a Libra.
That's right, you are.
Oh, right, and you will be pretty damn, umm, feisty this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
V???E?;}?S?S???F???c~
rc4, scorpio.
Ohhh, don't you feel like a spy now!?
Encrypted with openssl, ehm, rc4. Whatever that means. A super secret horoscope for you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It seems to be a rather secretive and code-based set of horoscopes this week, you note.
Yours is unfortunately one of those codes in which you're only allowed to use zeros and ones.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Yipes!
That is the official first time 'yipes' has been used in any form in a horoscope.
Your week will definitely be of that calibre, too.
[Horoscopes. Cooool, I like the future. Mac OS XV!]
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