Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will feel blue this week. A bit down in the dumps, as they say.
A raw sketch you do over tea of a perpetual motion machine you can make out of tin cans and a rutabaga cheers you up somewhat.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You long for the day when rutabaga aren't used just for their funny name and pleasant personality.
You consider taking up their cause this week by organising a march and maybe a sitdown protest, but you had to run in to stop the toast from burning.
Maybe you should buy a new toaster.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is a week for playing games.
Like chess. The version where you're not quite sure how the rules go so you sort of purposefully slap chess pieces around the board.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are in oh so much trouble when I get home.
Put that spatula away and go to your room.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Shoop shoop de-loop, as I always say, when life gets you down.
Spend the first part of the week ruminating about this, then implement the second half of the week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Da da da da, da, da, aww sugar sugar, da da da da, da, da, aww honey honey.
You are someone's candy this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
That hat does nothing for your cheekbones.
You get a phone call from Dolly Parton this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Somebody's accidentally recorded over your week with an old episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
You notice it's marginally funnier than your average week...
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be still like a little mouse this week.
Not a dead one, because we all know dead mice tell no tales, and if your chosen profession is something involving telling stories it's going to be awkward telling your boss you can't do anything this week because of your horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You are so not going to have a horoscope this week.
Though there is news that we may be able to pick up cheap knock-off horoscopes from Taiwan or Mexico in the next few weeks from our "source." Keep your eyes peeled.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
You will be required to read a Richard Scarey book this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hey, you, give me back my trousers.
You will be told you look like a male model. This will be followed by an awkward silence if you are, in fact, female. Or maybe not, depending on what you're like.
[Horoscopes. Steve-o for President! And for those developers out there like our boys, you can now write plug-ins for iConquer, cooooooool.]
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