Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are precious, like a butterfly, made of gold.
Also like a butterfly made of gold you shouldn't attempt to fly.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Look out for red ants.
I don't have specific information, at least not any I can release to the general public, but be extra vigilant this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Enjoy a sunset this week.
The stars, trusting your creativity, leave it up to you as to how you may wish to enjoy it.
That, or they're lazy. Incredibly lazy.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
All is quiet on the western front.
This is nice. Real nice.
But at least a little noise wouldn't creep you out and help you get to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will fall out with a member of your local government this week.
This is especially bad if your local government is considering locations for the opening of a new sewage treatment plant.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
If he was available for comment, Mark Rothko would have wanted you to kiss that cute person you've had your eye on.
And then he would have splashed some colour on a bit of paper, probably in a rectangular sort of shape.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Run, Forrest, run!
Oh, sorry, wrong film. Or, ehm, horoscope.
So.
Anyway, crazy weather we're getting, huh?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Grizzly Adams would have told you that your life won't have meaning unless you can get a bear to dance for you.
He also would have preached against ever shaving.
You may want to heed his advice this week. Or you may not. It depends on how well you get on with bears, I suppose.
Libra September 23 - October 22
These horoscopes were written using a new version of the horoscope composer software written by some guys in the Sane Magazine family that live in the basement and tinker with computers all day.
It's got this new assistant feature that's a staple, a built-in 3D racer game, a calculator, four types of astronomy charts (accurate, semi-accurate, sheep-herder-lying-on-a-grassy-hill, and patently made up), and a hidden Japanese to Esperanto translator.
As you can see, well worth the four year development cycle.
Oh yeah, your week will be overshadowed by the release of some new software.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You may or may not have a horoscope, depending which hand you pick, go on, choose...
...
...
...
Sorry, wrong one. No horoscope for you this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your knowledge of the oranges' role in the JFK assassination has you out of the house and on the run, as you've been hearing squishy noises in the middle of the night and there was a distinctly citrus-y odour in the air outside your bedroom.
Pack lots of gum, just in case your toothbrush gets lost in your frantic escape from the house.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you begin hoarding gum now, this strategy may pay big dividends if Sagittari ever run out of gum on the run.
Of course, they may be desperate at that point, and you wouldn't really want to get between a desperate Sagittarius and their gum, so maybe it won't pay off.
Everything's just got to have a degree of risk, hasn't it? Why couldn't you just fall into millions of (pounds|dollars|euro|yen), get kidnapped and left for dead on an island with food, a beach house, warm weather, and a companion of your choice?
[Horoscopes. Hey, nostalgia... And damn that empire...]
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