Taurus April 20 - May 20
Sparky the Dog makes a surprise visit to you this week, bringing much joy and small, screaming children.
One of the little things drops a jelly sandwich on the carpet.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You spend the week making hand puppets out of socks.
The impressive thing about your efforts is the creative way in which you incorporate holes into the puppet's personality.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The airline price war comes to your house!
Commandos come breaking in through the windows with submachine guns, khaki outfits and the whole whack to deliver you great fares to London, Malaga, Tenerife, Belfast, Worcester, Santa Clara.
One of them leaves your coffee table in shards.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Get your dirty, stinkin' paws off my shirt.
You will believe in magic this week. Next week you will believe in Puff the Magic Dragon.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is what we in the horoscopes business like to call a "waiting week."
It means you should wait on whatever it is you were planning to do this week and think about it a bit more, perhaps.
In the history of horoscopes, the validity of the waiting week has been virtually proved by not having ever fallen in James Bond's star sign.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be a calming influence on people this week, you have it in you.
One way of making people calm is to flip out and start shouting gibberish at them, waving your hands around wildly, and jumping up and down. Or perhaps that just gets rid of them. Which is, in and of itself, calming. So goal achieved. Cha-ching.
Hug a possum today. And the day after that.
Oh yeah, and you'll have this thing, Saturn calls it an ODR. And it'll go well. Maybe it gives you lots of money or something. Anyway, it sounds like a disease, but Saturn says it goes well. Real well.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Jam doughnuts shall rain from the skies for you this week.
Well, they're not all for you, but all your scampering around trying to collect them all with spit foaming all around your mouth is enough to make people back off and let you to it, then.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A toenail clipper accident will teach you a valuable lesson.
More immediate than that, it will teach you that fourteen stitches in your toes hurts a lot.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Logic will not work for you this week.
I'd explain why not, but it'd be a bit pointless.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Thou shalt not have a horoscope. Verily.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you like oranges (clementines and tangerines count as well), you're in for a rude shock, as it turns out oranges have been behind the plot to assassinate JFK all along.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There is a fresh wind blowing from the West, shall you catch it or shall it catch you?
This is the sort of annoying question Mercury, which is in your sign this month, always tends to ask, and which is usually followed by a long, awkward silence.
Mercury may be clever, but it'd be a damn site better if he were coherent.
[Horoscopes. Pleasant enough news, it seems simpleton still occasionally publishes.]
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