Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will wear blue.
It will go over famously.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week, in a big turnaround, life is a pot of jelly in the jungle.
If you don't mind flies (as the pot of jelly has caught more flies than the pot of vinegar sitting next to it), you're all right.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Okay, hesitating's over, go do something this week.
Like jump around. Or spin. Just make sure, if you're spinning, that you're doing it in a space with enough empty space to accommodate any irregularities in your orbit as you spin.
It may seem like common sense, but you wouldn't believe the number of accidents that advice would prevent each year if only it were said more often.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week is regular length, but it'll seem longer, after last week's short week.
Have an avocado to dull the pain.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A big stinking fish lands on your doorstep out of the sky this week.
A hurried glance through numerous sources reveals nothing untoward in this sign, but still, you kidnap a few of the neighbourhood cats to sit around your house for a few days.
The large, somewhat squished fish on your doorstep helps in attracting them.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
When you defected, you seemed a bit lost at first, until, that is, you met up with a roving band of gypsy home improvement people!
Now, even though you've a rich patron and everything (they're a carrot farmer) you can still bop away with the gypsies every once in a while to put up some coving or paint some walls or re-carpet a living room. Ah! Who says you can't have it all!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep on shining this week, you look like a little glow-in-the-dark ladybug or something.
This makes it difficult to sleep. And read. Or maybe reading's made easier, depends how bright you shine. If it's real bright you might have trouble reading, even.
Aries March 21 - April 19
RedRobin (your new sidekick from last week) complains that he's sick of sitting around watching television.
You patiently, and with one eye firmly focused on his beady little mask, explain to him that, for legal reasons, you have to keep your activities to a minimum.
So it's either sit inside and watch TV or you're going to have to take off your grey and blue hooded costume to pop out and run errands.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your new nose is ready.
You can pick it up at 83rd and Broad Street.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Maybe we should start a new drill for you, seeing as you have no horoscope.
Each Monday, as the horoscopes come out, assume the tuck and roll position. Now, if you have decent balance, the roll portion of this position won't be that noticeable, but if your balance is anything like mine, whoa, man, you're gone, like.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You feel very fat this week.
Sorry, it was bound to happen one of these weeks.
The most disturbing bit is that you look like a giraffe.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Why are you still grinning, shouldn't that have been wiped off your face by now?
In the nineteenth of your long-running aphrodisiac mixtures, belly button lint doesn't quite set the town on fire.
[Horoscopes. Isn't Nethack supposed to be ASCII-based?]
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