Taurus April 20 - May 20
Man, your feet kind of stink, you know?
Leo July 23 - August 22
A Taurian's stinky feet throw off your week-- you can't think straight, you don't eat properly, and the world occasionally seems to swim by...
You need to go lie down now...
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A very sick-looking Leo passes you this week.
You execute a brilliant tuck-and-roll out of the way and directly into a wall. Which hurts, sure, but you sort of hunch that one shoulder a little and half-smile-sort of grimace-like. Which is scary. And you should stop it now.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You make sure to cross to the opposite side of the street and/or hall of a very deranged-looking Virgo.
This works well for you this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There seem to be a hell of a lot of hyphens in this week's horoscopes.
This may or may not bother you this week.
It depends on whether you're a type-A or type-B personality. Hey, it can't all be down to the stars, can it?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Saturday you will receive a special package. 9.05pm, Shannon, Terminal... ehm, right, the one terminal. The one where the planes come in.
Beware, it may hug a bit overzealously.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Oh yeah, those fishnets? Put 'em away, bad idea this week.
A boulder nearly runs you over as you sit down in the middle of the street to take off your fishnet stockings.
Where is your head these days?
Aries March 21 - April 19
You almost watch a Pisces get run over by a boulder, rushing down the street.
A small part of you would have enjoyed the chance to look distraught on television.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You see an Aries making eyes and primping their hair and talking into a pencil or letter opener or something on your travels this week.
Those people that believe in horoscope signs are nutty, aren't they?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You, thankfully, avoid all such worries that someone like a Libra might have.
Because, you know, like, you have no horoscope. And all. Dude.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will inexplicably and quite painfully become a telemarketter this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your Sherpa guide ate one of your books, you think.
Of course, your Sherpa guide also looks suspiciously like a German Shepherd (the dog, not some German sheep herder sort of thing). It may, though, be a mutt.
[Horoscopes. iPods! We all scream for, ehm, iCe Cream.]
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