Taurus April 20 - May 20
Do not go near anything bearing yellow warning hazard signs this week.
Also, do not put any pies you might be baking on the windowsill in the kitchen. Just don't, okay?
Leo July 23 - August 22
If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around you'd better hope you didn't leave anything important out in the forest.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Who planted that big lemon tree in your living room?
That might be an interesting puzzle to solve this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is not a good week for you to make rash plans.
Unfortunately, this is probably late notice, isn't it?
Yeah, sorry about that. Try and make as few rash ones as possible, then. I find sitting comfortably on the couch to be a relatively safe bet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your hair's a bit better this week.
Lucky, eh?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You have a WonderBum (tm).
You are going to be sorely missed for the next ten days or so.
Tá tusa mo bhabe.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Fishnet stockings are, at long last, a good idea this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
BLAAAAAAAAAT!
(I always loved that part in the Richard Scarey book...)
Libra September 23 - October 22
You have no bananas today.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope today. Or tomorrow... or the next day...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
That is, if it's your birthday this week.
If not, well, isn't it about time it should be?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are going to the great NorthEast on a journey, a long journey.
Pack clean underwear.
And your phone.
And your laptop.
And a few books.
And a Sherpa guide, just in case.
[Horoscopes. Kikko Man! Thanks to Mark for the pointer.]
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