Taurus April 20 - May 20
Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall this week.
First off, it would mean you could fly, and second of all it means you could reach the nasty stain you somehow managed to get on your wall just below the ceiling in order to clean it.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Look at yourself in the mirror this week and growl, "I'm a lion, I am a lion."
This might prepare you for the day. Even if it doesn't, it might get your friends to insist you call in sick to work because you've been working too hard and obviously need a break.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have a nice week.
It's all the animals in your spare bedroom that don't have quite so nice a week when you forget to clean out their cages and feed them.
So enjoy it while it lasts...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your dish rag Mark may be hitting that difficult age for dish rags, as he comes home at all hours, doesn't clean his boots before traipsing about the house and plays his music too loud.
You consider building an extension to your flat to give him his own space.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will fall into a deep, deep sleep after eating a poisoned apple.
You have horrible nightmares that it's Prince Charles who's going to have to kiss you awake... By Thursday, plagued by these nightmares, you overcome the effects of the apple without the kiss of a prince and sit bolt upright in bed.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are a grasshopper, little one.
Yes, if you like, you can go around, hopping up and down and making chirruping noises.
And, if you remember, it was the grasshopper in the fable that got to prance around all summer while the squirrel or the ant or something worked it's butt off.
Yipee for prancing about!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be strongly tempted to enter into a life of crime this week after your first taste of petty crime.
Of course, stealing a pack of gum by accidentally walking out of a store with it and forgetting to pay isn't quite on the scale of your next job, which is knocking over (that's the criminal word for doing a job) an ice cream shoppe.
Despite the heavy bruising you receive from staff armed with ice cream scoops, you're not deterred by this one minor setback in your new career.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You also don't know how to swim so well when surrounded by a lorry, you find.
Silly you, you should have thought to practise that when you were a kid, instead of blindly following everyone else and swimming in just a swimming costume.
You meet a talking crab, however. He claims he was in that film from Disney (tm) with the little watery fish-like girl.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You are on strike this week.
You meet a few interesting firemen and teachers on the picket lines.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO ON MONDAY!
Oh, wait, it doesn't really matter, you don't have a horoscope, anyway.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You spent Monday quietly contemplating free will and predestination.
Unfortunately, you thought predestination was some sort of super cognition you might get of a place you're going to whilst in the car enroute to that place.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be ringing a cleaner this week, just in case you wind up finding yourself faced by a daunting task like Hercules' thirteenth labour.
Your sense of humour will get you out of a tight spot this week.
And no, this doesn't mean you're going to be spelunking and get wedged in between a couple of rocks and find out that your jokes now can move the earth, forcing plate tectonics into action at your every whim.
[Horoscopes. Craaaaaaazy Apple Rumours.]
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