You know how you always wished you could get better at time management skills?
Well, this week it becomes painfully apparent that you can't do anything about it after trying courses, internet-based prescriptions, and home remedies.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your singing in the car may be the end of you yet.
Especially since you're supposed to keep your eyes on the road and not on people who may be sneaking up behind you to stop you from singing along with the radio.
If you're a passenger you may be able to continue, as there's no hard and fast rule about where passengers can keep their eyes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You really need to stop watching nature programmes.
The elephant has ruined your spare room and the front doorway upon it's arrival.
And you have a giraffe on the way, after watching another nature programme at the end of which you were given the opportunity to adopt a giraffe.
You'd better, ehm, prepare the, ehm, other spare room. Or build one.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Despite articles you've read that almost specifically condemn this course of action, you consider not allowing your dish rag named Mark from having friends over.
Most dish rags don't smell as nice as Mark (and he wasn't particularly pleasant smelling in the first place), and none of them, without exception, eat with their mouth closed.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Okay, lay off the baths this week, you're starting to look a bit obsessed.
How about taking up knitting?
It's a skill that'll keep you off the loom if you ever get forced to work in a woolen mill.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look beautiful this week, and Saturn says so.
You'll sort of blush and protest that you might look a little fat or maybe you don't like your hair so much that way.
Saturn, being a really large celestial body (well, larger than you, by quite a bit, but not so large as some other celestial bodies) tells you to shut up and take a compliment.
You should listen to Saturn.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I'm a monster, I'm a monster, grrrr!
The preceding would have been considerably more scarey had I been wearing a green dish on my head.
You will find you don't get scared quite so easily these days.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You don't know how to drive a lorry.
Which makes being in the driver's seat of a lorry heading off the pier into the sea all that much more disturbing.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Since various groups have started sponsoring your week, like the Butter Group last week, you find yourself restricted, so far as what you can do.
You need to branch out from just Butter tm and other cooking oil type things, as you're getting quite fat, just one week in...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If your birthday just whooshed past, Happy Birthday.
But if you think you're getting a horoscope, I have two words: "fat chance."
Well, okay, three: "No."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your fever from last week will subside this week.
Buy yourself some celebratory vegetables.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What the hell is the figurative home of IKEA, anyway, you ask?
You are sitting next to a gorgeous person at the moment.
(That moment may have been when the stars were being read if it's not entirely accurate now. Quick, run back there, now!)
[Horoscopes. What Fits?]