Taurus April 20 - May 20
Just kidding, you're in no grave danger this week.
Well.
No, no, I take that back. It'll be fine, honest.
Keep your mobile phone charged, just in case, though.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your new job is going quite well.
Fantastically well. Like super-well.
You have to wear a hair net, which is mildly annoying, but otherwise it's going famously.
Even if you're Minnie Driver.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
For some reason, after watching a television programme, you find yourself having adopted an elephant orphan this week.
You'd better prepare that spare room.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will spend a lot of time getting familiar with a dish rag this week.
It's name is Mark, and it likes wind surfing.
It also smells less if you air it out a little, instead of leaving it crumpled in a ball on the sink.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
That bath last week was good, real good.
Way to go.
Keep it up this week. Though not all in one go, otherwise you'll look a bit pruney by the end of the week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
As a gesture of gratitude to your pet rutabaga, and using part of the £150,000 prize for winning best hugger of the year, you buy it a little rutabaga hat.
Surprisingly enough, finding a rutabaga hat isn't as difficult as you might think, they sell in most high street shoppes, you just need to know which shelf to look on.
Someone will be thinking about you all week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone is trying to crush your toes at this very moment.
If you don't notice, or don't think so, it may already be too late.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your solar hat gets mostly derisive comments, which you (and I) think is unfair.
Try recharging your batteries with one of those portable electric stimulation instead.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week will be better.
Butter. Butter, that is. The National Association of Butter Farmers will pay you a visit this week.
But still, better than last week, even if a donation (semi-mandatory, it seems) runs you two to three dollars/pound/euro.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Doo, dee doo, dee doo doo doop.
Hey man, here's the scoop,
You have no horoscope and this bit doesn't rhyme with the previous two lines.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You get dance fever this week like you've never had before.
Luckily, you and your diseased self are confined to bed for the week, so no one has to suffer through your disease with you.
Chicken soup might be good for that.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Damn, it appears we missed with that lottery prediction last week.
A bit of dirt on the telescope lens, it would seem.
This week we will promise to wash the dirt off.
You be be visiting (either figuratively or literally) the home of IKEA this week.
[Horoscopes. Well, we all saw it coming, but it's still a shame. Good luck with the future, Mick.]
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