Taurus April 20 - May 20
I am so on to you.
You may be in grave danger next week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will start a new job this week.
Ignore this if you are Minnie Driver.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Everything but the kitchen sink takes on a whole new meaning for you this week when someone replaces your standard dictionary with a new one with all the words and definitions jumbled around.
You figure it was an inside job and vow to only use words that you don't really mind whether or not they're jumbled and are just fun to say.
You wind up talking about hippopotamus quite a lot this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't eat that.
Thanks.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Take a bath this week, baths are nice and relaxing.
This will also help with that hygiene problem the stars have been reluctant to talk about at any great length.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will learn much this week, grasshopper.
You have been voted the world's best hugger by NME, Hello, and MacWorld UK magazines this year.
This comes as no huge surprise, and, as you so eloquently put it on the podium this weekend at the award ceremony, you owe no one a deeper debt of gratitude than your pet rutabaga, on whom you practised your now legendary hugs.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Look, if I've said it once, I've said it at least a couple times, "if it hurts when you do that, don't do that."
Oh, and pick me up a packet of crisps when you're down at the shoppe.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Take time this week to recharge your personal battery.
Yes, you know what that means... time to take out that solar cell hat you bought back in the eighties! Yipee!
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your week will end badly.
It will also start badly.
Which is a shame. Consistent, but a shame.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your week will just do stuff, without the say and any intervention otherwise of the stars.
Because, if you haven't been following along, you have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll still be burping quite a lot this week... oh wait, that wasn't you.
Life is a bowl of chocolate.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are feeling sleepy, very very sleeeeeepy.
Okay, that's it, then.
You should be pretty much asleep at this point.
Oh yeah, and you will win the lottery this week.
[Horoscopes. This is very cool, in a sort of geeky, useless sort of way, of course.]
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