Taurus April 20 - May 20
Tea leaf.
Take everything with a pinch of tea leaves this week, not salt. It's healthier for you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Oh man, it's just dawned on me I forgot my shoes this week.
All the way to the office and everything, no shoes.
How dumb is that?
Your week is yellow.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Do you know, the human foot can take up the pressure of up to seven thousand little tiny rocks you find in everyday pavement before you're tempted to go, "Ow?"
Well, actually, I have no idea if that's true, it's just an unscientific study based on the number of small rocks I'm picking out of my foot at the moment.
How the... I mean, like, how do you forget your shoes?
Do not eat the red biscuit this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Okay, and do you want to know the weird thing?
I'm wearing socks, so it isn't like I just completely forgot about all things below the ankle.
So I hope you're now marginally more impressed with the number of rocks stuck in my feet now.
That is a lovely fuschia you're wearing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
So here I am, without shoes.
Now, I'm not sure, it's not like this sort of thing comes up often, but I don't think it's in line with company policy to not wear shoes in the office.
I guess what I can hope for is that it isn't a sacking offence.
You, strangely enough, also forget your shoes this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You have a strange and abiding fascination with plucking other people's eyebrows.
This sort of thing, left untreated, may get you in trouble with the law.
As with almost everything in life, this can be taken on both a literal and metaphorical level.
Nice skirt, today, by the way.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
John Donne may have also added lilypads to the list of things no man is.
You find this out through first hand experience this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The jug sitting in front of you, just within your reach, is half full.
Or was, until you spilled it all over your new carpet.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will burp quite a lot this week.
Why you do so remains a mystery, until next week... when you discover the awful truth... which we would tell you now, but you need to discover it next week, so we've got to keep quiet, sorry.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You, on the other hand, are a lilypad. Or might as well be, as you have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
True happiness is not found in a bottle.
However, sometimes little, remarkably lifelike ships are found in bottles.
It's up to you to determine which one you want more -- happiness or little boats.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are very lucky.
Word has it you're also a bit of a bad a--. Or bad a--e, if you're in the isles.
You will be sorely tempted to get a black leather jacket and a motorcycle. That is, if you could drive a motorcycle. As it is, you probably will want to make do with a mean looking snarl and a stick-on tattoo.
[Horoscopes. He stops in one place, claiming need for a rest, then starts, without pause, in another... no logic, I tell you...]
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