Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are a pawn in the great chess game of life.
Unfortunately, this week's chess game seems to be played by a three year old, who just sits there at the board and sucks on the pieces.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are the topic of conversation round the water cooler this week.
Therefore, try and do as many things as possible that don't require photographic evidence to properly illustrate.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Like Natty Bumppo before you, you must head out West, out to the new frontier.
Or you could just stay home and sort of hang out, which is probably what good old Natty should have done.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your neighbours are convinced that you won't go gentle into that soft night, don't you worry.
The damn drumming you do every evening around 9p.m.ish has them certain.
They may try and kill you in your sleep, however.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Strangely enough, you're still a loaf of rye bread this week.
The worst of it comes when a group of bakers begin chasing you when you're out shopping in the market this weekend.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Turkey, you will have turkey for dinner on Monday night.
You also have a pig in your hair.
This may be a metaphorical pig, maybe like something you'd been doing was the equivalent of pigs flying and one couldn't quite cut it and landed in your hair, I don't know, man, I'm just the messenger, don't blame me.
At any rate, pig, in your hair. Thus goes your week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your new pet chinchilla, embarrassingly, gets stuck to your doorpost with your new denture cream.
You know it's difficult adjusting to new things, but this is ridiculous, you think, when you have to refit a doorbell on the other doorpost so people don't have to risk getting their fingers bitten when they ring round.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your slave master makes you sign comic books with the artist's signature for twenty hours of the day.
The remaining four, you're told, are for your leisure, but should be concentrated on comic book related pursuits, to help further your career.
When you point out that you're a slave, the slave master grants you that, and promises to take that on board.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You're very short.
This will have an impact on your performance review when you, you know, get that whole final judgment thing.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If your horoscope were a biscuit, your horoscope would be nothing, because you don't have one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Blue is your favourite colour this week.
Do not take mermaids wearing heels lightly.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will find Fame and Fortune this week.
Unfortunately, it's got someone's gum stuck all over it.
Luckily, that gum is yours!
Unfortunately, no shoppe will take payment in Fame and Fortune with gum stuck all to it.
[Horoscopes. A new game from Mark?]
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