Taurus April 20 - May 20
After the, ehm, aftermath, of last week's asteroid crash you are reborn as a cricket.
This may surprise your sensibilities regarding reincarnation, which heretofore had been somewhat vague and largely only mentioned in certain company.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You step on a cricket chirruping in an embarrassed manner.
It makes a squishy sort of noise against the asteroid bits and dust lying all over the place.
You have a fading memory of something about Russia, but maybe it's just because you always think of the word 'borscht' when you hear something squish.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You run out of clean clothes this week.
See what happens when you don't do laundry regularly?
Especially if you're going to let a little thing like an asteroid destroying your well and/or reservoir prevent you from doing even the essential laundry.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You experience a floating sensation... there is a white light ahead... "there is also a beaded curtain through which you must pass," a voice says in your head.
This voice sounds a little like Mel Gibson.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You come back as a loaf of bread.
Rye, with an interesting mole on your left cheek, though people have difficulty seeing it when you point it out, seeing as how you're a loaf of bread, and bread loaves don't have cheeks.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
By the faint afterglow of the asteroid fires (caused when an asteroid hits a planet and, like, burns stuff) you actually get a reasonable colour to your skin (not that your skin colour wasn't reasonable before... now it's just reasonable and brownish looking).
You find a car amidst the rubble, and, seeing as how there's not a lot of stuff bar rubble to bump into, take it for a spin.
You almost cause a few accidents, but you could easily blame the rubble for jutting out like that unexpectedly.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your denture cream doesn't seem to work in this post-asteroid world.
Nor does your pet chinchilla.
Invest in new ones of each.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You need to try and eat more fibre, really.
Oh, and you need to somehow get out of the slavery the pirates have sold you into in deepest, darkest Belgium.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your popsicle business doesn't do so well this week, as the asteroid has kicked up a load of dust and the whole of the planet's climate is transformed to something that previously only England and certain really deep caves had to suffer.
Good news, though, the English buy your popsicles... and even comment on the charming weather.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You most definitely so don't have a horoscope, man.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are too shy. All your friends say so, so do the stars now.
Take a hint and poke a gerbil with a stick, as the saying goes.
(NB. This previous sentence is referring to a local saying that means something other than the literal poking of a gerbil with a stick... if there is no local saying along those lines, please refrain from taking the literal meaning of the saying to heart.)
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You nearly get run over by some crazy person in a convertible, driving amongst the rubble.
You find a lucky coin this week.
Hang on to it.
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