Taurus April 20 - May 20
An asteroid hits the Earth this week, obliterating all life, as we know it and otherwise.
Well, almost all life.
And your hairdryer is most definitely going to need replacing.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The asteroid hits and throws your plans for the Russian spies (which were on hold anyway, as they were refusing to look up from their pool game to look at the detailed maps and strategies you'd drawn up) into disarray.
In the mad rush to escape the pool hall (which the occupants have suddenly decided is not a good place to be in the event of an asteroid collision, it seems), you have the fleeting thought that the Russians may have planned this.
When you ask them as much they look at you for several long, silent minutes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The asteroid hitting the planet is an excellent excuse to avoid the washing this week, as with all the dust thrown up and the clouds blocking out the sun there's no point, as you won't be able to hang them out to dry.
Read a book instead.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A few of the ninjas and bikers get smooshed by the asteroid, as does a good chunk of your previously almost good as new kitchen.
"Argh," you're heard to say.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Seeing as how the scene strikes you as somewhat apocalyptic, you try out that "if I were the last man/woman on Earth line to the object of your (marginally unreasonable) affections.
Alas, it doesn't work... maybe you have to hope for another asteroid or comet or whatever it was to hit again, to narrow the playing field a little bit more.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The asteroid and resulting cloud makes it incredibly difficult to get a tan.
The asteroid, it turns out, had come out of your constellation, and it signifies a financial windfall for you!
That is, as soon as you manage to dig your home out of the rubble, probably.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your worries with the WWA seem a distant memory this week as the asteroid shatters billions of windows worldwide, putting the lot of them pretty much out of work for a while, at least until civilisation begins the healing process and rebuilds all their windows.
Or, rather, their concern with you is a bit distracted as they attempt to hold together their jobless brethren. You, not being a member, have a very difficult time of it not laughing at their plight.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The asteroid hits and rocks the pirates boat! Now's your chance to escape!
The pirates, unfortunately, had about the same idea and you all wind up racing away from the boat in the same general direction.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will set up a popsicle stand for asteroids watchers this week, to try and capitalise on the sudden interest in asteroids.
It won't do too badly, considering most people are struggling to disentangle themselves or their belongings from a whole load of space rock.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You're quite glad you have no horoscope this week.
Still, you think, maybe, just maybe, you could have averted the disaster if you did, you think smugly...
Just for that, a straggling companion asteroid thwacks off your head.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
No pie this week, as, if you hadn't noticed, an asteroid hit the planet.
Depending on how much you like pie, this statement may have been flipped the other way round.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your week is punctuated by a long and poignant silence.
This is apart from, of course, the rending and tearing sound the asteroid makes when it hits your car.
But after that it's all pretty quiet.
You will probably want to hunt down and kill the horoscope writer for such a crap horoscope.
[Horoscopes. Robbie's scored for Spurs! Wahey!]
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