Taurus April 20 - May 20
That's it, you turf the Russians out.
They don't like the way you dance, or your mushy peas.
They whine for a bit outside your window the first few nights, but after a while they try next door and see if they aren't a bit more receptive to foreigners.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You try to get your Russian would-be kidnappers to plan a new scheme with you, but all they seem to want to do is watch television and play pool.
They're especially harsh when you bring them disguises and everything you'd had in your loft for just such an occasion.
You content yourself drawing up the plans, which will hopefully be adopted by the Russians with great enthusiasm when they see your cunning and guile next week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You notice one of your shoes is bigger than the other.
This makes you look like a freak.
Hey, don't blame us, the stars said it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The ninjas and biker gang guys give a helping hand repairing some of the damage they've caused to your kitchen over the last few weeks.
One of the bikers turns out to be a brilliant hand at the stenciling.
Your kitchen is almost good as new by the end of the week... almost.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The taxi you hail on Thursday may be your road to riches.
This prediction doesn't make sense, but when you use modifiers that are as vague as 'may' you can say anything at all after it, really.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are as fresh as a peach blossom this week.
Or perhaps some other suitable colour.
Do not plan to open up a chinchilla farm this week.
Final say? Fat chance.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A brick will come smashing through your window later this week.
The crudely typed note will claim it's from the Windowwashers' Allied Association, and it'll even use a secret WWA code word.
The note will make reference to concrete shoes and fish food if you don't let up in your futile attempts to be let in to the WWA.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The pirates find a little village that they can pillage (which is nice, and reminds you of your thoughts last week about this whole experience being distinctly non-musical-like).
It prompts you to compose a song, in case any one does feel like singing or dancing.
When you unveil it, surprisingly, no one does. Someone complains about the quality of life aboard the ship, which you take as a favourable review.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The man with the briefcase tells you to watch your back, for strange things lurk at midnight around alabaster supports.
You, of course, already know this, and is the main reason why you haven't been into the ballroom in your great-uncle Albert's ballroom in some fifteen years...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Those rumblings from last week were horribly wrong.
You never know, though, maybe next week...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You get pie this week.
Apple with custard cream.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're back in the land of the familiar!
This may be a metaphorical return, or it may mean you're back in that person's flat who claims to be able to channel dead cats, it's just that she hasn't had the proper opportunity yet.
You will still be very very incredibly possibly stupidly lucky this week.
[Horoscopes. Tinderbox, a tool all our on-staff novelists use, from William Murphy to, well, the head man...]
|
