Taurus April 20 - May 20
Nor do the Russians like any of your recipes for chicken.
You're beginning to think it's more them that's the problem than anything you're doing.
You decide to give them one more chance next week, after that you're turfing them out on their collective ear.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The Russians introduce you to the seedy underworld of which they were a part whilst they were supposed to be plotting to kidnap you.
You note that it looks remarkably similar to a pool hall.
They scoff at this observation, as do they scoff at your observation that there seem to be a lot of Russians in the horoscopes these days.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A weird knocking sound will be coming from the front door this week.
Well, it's not that weird, it's just the book you're reading at the moment has put you in the sort of mood where everything is suspicious and foreboding.
Leaping out from behind the door after you've opened it and thwacking the Jehovah's Witness may have been a tad overkill (if extremely satisfying, on some level).
(And Happy Birthday to the janitor's Mom.)
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week your kitchen cupboards are gouged by the Ninjas again, only this time the Ninjas are met by members of a Biker Gang that another family member, upset by your choice of kitchen, has hired.
A great battle ensues and your kitchen is somewhat worse for wear by the end, when you come storming into the kitchen in your bathrobe and slippers to demand what's going on.
If you've never seen a ninja look sheepish, at least you've had that experience after this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Saturn in your house of wistful thinking makes you harken back to the days when your guests for tea included much more illustrious names than Jim, some guy you'd met in the supermarket and his pet fruit bat.
Gone are the days when that little "Da plane, da plane" guy from Fantasy Island would pop by with his fruit bat... wait a minute... you thought you recognised that fruit bat from somewhere!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Last week's thing wasn't an alien after all, it was just some bad Mexican food you'd eaten.
This week, however, a bad hair day (almost impossible, I know) has you suspecting you may have an alien growing in your hair...
What it is with you and these alien fantasies I'll never know.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Windowwashers' Allied Association refused a face-to-face meeting with you to discuss your ban.
You will spend the week sulking.
This is fine by the WAA, so long as it's sportsmanlike sulking. Not that it matters at this point, anyway.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You and the pirates. It's like some musical, you think.
Except the bits where they should be dancing around and singing don't happen quite so often and the ones in which they chop things up and get your carpets filthy.
One of the smaller, more pensive pirates tells you how there used to be this one guy that danced all the time, but he got skewered by another pirate following a game of cards that went horribly wrong.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Man, what is it with your feet, they're really rank.
A wise man from the east, carrying a briefcase, will visit you this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nada. Zip. Zilch.
There is no horoscope for you.
However, there a re rumblings that next week could be quite interesting...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I've got this smell of wood varnish wafting into the room as I write this horoscope, and have a strange sensation of floating, floating up into the atmosphere, floating like a little peanut that's floating, and I have an urge to start whistling, though I can't, because I'm a peanut, and peanuts just don't have it in them to whistle.
Oh, hello, Jupiter...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will feel like a stranger in a strange land this week.
For some reason, this feeling overwhelms you and you end the week in a little homemade bunker, throwing ice cream scoops at anyone that comes near.
[Horoscopes. Hey, getcher schedules here...]
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