Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Russians that pull up outside don't seem to like your homemade pie.
It might be it's time for a change in that old recipe!
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are almost abducted by Russian terrorists whom had been hiding out in Bangor, Maine, USA for the last eighteen years and hadn't heard the Cold War was over.
Seeing as how they also thought you were shipping magnate Bill Howizter, you have a suspicion they never actually read their brief. When confronted, they sheepishly admit they hadn't.
They've been sitting in feasting on lobster and crisps the whole time and lost track of time.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A very malicious turnip will bother you this week.
This experience will cement in your mind a conviction never to sign up to any cause supporting the right of vegetables to read.
In fact, you quickly become quite sour on any vegetable rights.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your family divided, your kitchen in the classic style, you don't know where to turn.
The stars aren't much help, either, as they prefer the Napoli style kitchens, themselves.
Ninjas hired by angry relatives trash your new countertops sometime in the night.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You seem extraordinarily keen on dancing this week.
No idea why, but there it is.
This accounts for the frightened look in people's eyes around you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Happy anniversary, a bhabe.
You will have a strange fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach this week.
This either means you're about to make a big decision or you've somehow got alien butterflies nesting in your stomach and they're almost ready to hatch.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Another obstacle to you ever becoming a windowwasher is the lifetime ban the Windowwashers' Allied Association slaps on you for unsportsmanlike conduct.
You plan on appealing, just as soon as you get ahold of the windowwasher's handbook, to make sure it's not in vain you make your appeal. After all, you had unfairly tickled a passerby last week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The pirates don't smell particularly nice, that's the first thing you notice.
They also shown a wild disregard for your furniture and the effects a machete might have on it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
No one can help you now.
And your feet stink.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey man (non-gender-specific, of course).
Still no horoscope. It's like waiting for the bus, only to have those new indicators be incorrect all the time, and the 33 never shows up when it says it's going to. For two hundred and sixty weeks, at least.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You think you discover a comet this week.
Based on last week's correction, you're a bit remiss at submitting this discovery to the community for an award again, for fear they'd just take it away again.
You make up a new saying, instead, which goes thus: "Never trust a scientist bearing an award, wearing a plain-ish tie, with a centre parting in his hair, and a smarmy air. "
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will receive a package this week.
In fact, two, but the first one isn't the one the stars are talking about.
The package will... oh, for Pete's sake, the second one, already, forget the first one, for the love of L.
Anyway, you'll get a package. And I can't remember what's the big deal about it. The second one, anyway.
[Horoscopes. And continuing our nostalgia theme, Adventure!]
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