Taurus April 20 - May 20
How much money have you got in your wallet?
Jupiter's hot money tip for the week is this: Don't spend it on Russians bearing little dolls.
A busload of Russians, some bearing dolls, some bearing straw hats will pull up outside at some point this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The clouds this week resemble large fluffy rabbits.
The rain drops resemble raspberries. Which doesn't make any sense.
Stay indoors.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars are always saying to Virgos "eat your vegetables."
Now, I don't know why, as you tend to claim you eat your vegetables all right and everything, but part of me says, "Hey, they're the stars, why're the going to lie to me?"
So eat your vegetables already, and maybe you'll get some decent advice one day!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will choose classic over modern style kitchens this week.
This will rend your family almost as much as your choice in the Great Soda Wars of the 80s, in which you chose Pepsi over Coke.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Hey you, you with the cheese, get your shifty little self back over here!
Saturn saw you eyeing that cheese earlier, so we've had our eye on you.
Punk.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
A rancid cup of tea and a talking biscuit on Tuesday send into an ever deepening spiral of madness and mayhem.
A spiral where biscuits speak and tea is rancid. Or maybe that's the butter. Either way, it's a tough old spiral and there's only one way out of a spiral, as they say.
Umm, which is to say, getting out of it. I suppose. Maybe you're just too dizzy from all the spiraling to remember any specific sayings about spirals and the extrication of oneself from them.
Or it could be all a part of the tea's evil plan!
This will teach you to stay up too late, sipping tea on the couch, huddled under the blankets.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your longstanding fear of heights comes from a fear of the unknown.
Or a fear of falling a very great distance and getting hurt to the point of death.
This is the greatest obstacle to you becoming a windowwasher, like you promised your parents you'd at least consider.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Avast ye! Hard to starboard!
Your week is hijacked by pirates!
Or shanghai'd, I suppose, as pirates don't seem the sort to hijack things. Whatever it is it involves swords. Well sharpened ones. And they make you watusi the plank.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Honour goes well with a roll and pickle.
And macaroni and cheese goes well with anything, anytime, really. Unless you're in the car, it's notoriously difficult to eat in the car.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There are many people who want for things in this world.
Like you and all your fellow Scorpios, who have no horoscope.
So there.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Turns out the planet you discovered life on last week wasn't alien life after all.
Seeing as how you were basing your findings on fuzzy images from the Hubble space telescope found on a website the scientific community isn't entirely stunned, but they do ask for the award back.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Yellow palm trees flutter in the wind.
A dog barks.
Midnight on the riverside.
If none of this makes sense, you may have already won the lottery.
If a bit of it makes sense, you may still have won the lottery... the odds aren't as bad as you might think, you know.
[Horoscopes. Hey you kids! So many hours wasted...]
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