Taurus April 20 - May 20
You have a brief glimpse of what it would be like to work for the Psychic Friend's Network when you receive a message from the future over the telephone on Thursday.
Apparently this sort of thing happens to them all the time.
The future is green.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't make the same mistake this week with that orange shirt.
The talk around the watercooler has you in line for a raise.
Unfortunately, no one that will actually be paying your wages is talking around the watercooler, so it looks pretty unlikely you'll get a raise anytime soon.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your week is punctuated by your personal best effort of skimming a stone across the water so that it bounces eight times!
Unfortunately, due to the location in which you chose to be winging stones around you wind up starting off a minor war between the United States and Canada when you hit one of their geese with your personal record-breaking throw.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you see a kangaroo roaming your neighbourhood this week, try and punch it.
This isn't advocating senseless animal cruelty, the kangaroo is the one who took your lucky socks.
It's not like you're actually going to be quick enough to make contact either, in our in-house tests, kangaroos are incredibly difficult to punch.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will meet your maker this week.
It's an awkward meeting, and you can't seem to stop looking at your shoes.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are amazing. Mind-blowingly so.
You will also possibly see visions this week.
That's what happens when you leave the stuff you're painting in the same room you're attempting to sleep in (and now find yourself talking to Sherpas and pink elephants, neither of whom seem to be able to agree on the best way to get to Strawberry Fields...).
Your steak was lovely, thanks for that -- lucky stars, indeed.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your daily allotment of water, the amount you're supposed to drink to maintain a healthy diet is eight.
The thing is, as funny as that dribble glass was the first time you used it, it isn't really getting nearly enough of that water actually in your body.
When severe dehydration hits you on Wednesday as you've not had enough water for weeks on end now (starting from about the time you received the dribble glass, as a matter of fact), it's too late to do anything but request, in a gasping, raspy voice, to be put on a rehydration drip.
If you've never received dribble glasses nor are particularly fascinated by them your week will be mostly normal. And free of dehydration.
Aries March 21 - April 19
"Chorizo!" you cry as you leap out of the plane at 20,000 feet.
In metric that's quite high. Chorizo in metric is still chorizo.
Try telling that to the people you wind up landing on, some 20,000 feet later give or take row 14, section 19 in a nearby football ground.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your chess skills suffer a major blow this week when a cement mixing truck runs both of your arms over and your hands plop off.
Come to think of it, quite a lot of your skills suffer as a result of that.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You-hoo, have no horoscope-ope-ope.
Which rhymes with soap, which is something you wash the dog with, which is something you might want to think about doing.
In an unofficial, non-star-sanctioned way, of course.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Save a slice of that cheese for me.
You will discover alien life on another planet on Monday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'd better be thanking your lucky stars, in addition to all the other ones that make up the Zodiac, this week. You have no idea how lucky you are, even if you do wind up saying, "Man, I'm so lucky," from time to time.
A million pound advance is heading your way.
That and a lot of other mail bound for Martin Amis seems to be arriving at your door lately.
Nothing terribly interesting, though. Just dentist bills after dentist bills, really. And million pound advances, of course.
[Horoscopes. Keano's comin' to the Lane!]
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