Taurus April 20 - May 20
Pease pudding hot, pease pudding cold, you will have nothing to eat but pease pudding this week.
So you're going to have it hot, cold, lukewarm, on bread, on toast, in your coffee, just to try and mix it up a little bit.
Still, it's not all bad, you were getting sick of pasta, anyway.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Okay, if it's your birthday this week, Happy Birthday to You.
A splinter group of Greenpeace will disrupt your party whilst you're eating your sponge cake.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It is a perfume-y sort of week for you.
It is up to you whether it stinks or it just smells subtly nice.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A spinster group of Greenpeace invade your front lawn and set up one of the largest games of bridge you've ever seen.
When you ask them if they couldn't move their game elsewhere they get irritable.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
That old boredom sets in again this week.
For both you and the horoscope writer.
And there's nothing that can spice it up. Not even ginger.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will feel like you're missing an arm, or a leg, or something analogous this week, though you can't quite put your finger on what it is, exactly.
If you feel like you're missing an arm, no offence is intended by the utilisation of the finger phrase.
To take your mind off the palpable sense of... you know, what I mentioned earlier, you seek revenge on all caricaturists for some wrong they probably did you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pinch a fish.
You run out of pepper by midweek.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are still hounded by anthropomorphic countries this week.
Including Denmark, who normally stays out of these sorts of things.
The Sun will go supernova next week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be careful with that gerbil, they get very unpredictable, and somewhat dangerous, when mistreated.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no gerbil. And no horoscope.
You may have a pen, but no paper. So goes the life of a Scorpio.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Help a Pisces by lending them some of your pepper, when they come crawling, asking for some.
You never know when you may need them to repay the favour.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You stock loads of bottles of sun cream, in case the Sun, as reported in Aries, does really go supernova next week.
You feel like you're missing your left ear or maybe your right nostril this week.
You keep checking the mirror, and they both appear to be there, but we all know appearances can be deceiving. Probably moreso when it's your own face your being deceived by.
[Horoscopes. Bill is out and at it again! Go Bill!]
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