Taurus April 20 - May 20
A sandy colour will suit you best this week.
It won't help when you spill spaghetti sauce all over it, though.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Happy birthday!
If it's your birthday, that is.
You will get loads of ice cream this week, and book a flight to Shannon.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your week will have all the bounciness of a Johann Strauss (II, not III) waltz.
Just mind you clear all the furniture in the living room before attempting to spin around.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Button down the hatches!
The other seamen on the, ehm, sea, laugh at your somewhat unorthodox ship. Until it a storm hits, that is, and they have a considerably more difficult time of it, battening down the hatches with their old, non-button technology.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week will prove smudgy.
Serves you right, using charcoal on a medium probably best suited for water colours.
(The medium will be annoyed at being used for an easel and paper, regardless.)
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get your butt kicked in tennis on Tuesday. It will be the thrashing of your life, one so heart-rending that you may never pick up a racquet again.
You'll look good getting thrashed, but still, facts is facts.
Resist the temptation to throw the racquet at anything or anyone.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll find a little square of bubble wrap you'd ferreted away a long time ago, now withered and distinctly non-poppable.
Let this be a lesson to you: always horde your bubble wrap in cool, dry places.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Spain, Spain, is a-callin' your name.
Which is weird, isn't it? Stupid anthropomorphic countries.
Belgium sits by an giggles.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A mishap at the laundromat will result in your becoming a new sort of superhero, one who's not afraid to do a little laundry, can wield a sockful of coins with the best of them, and never, ever, gets stuck watching the dryer and that one item of clothing that's differently coloured than the rest of your clothes and just spins round and round and round.
It may even get you a date this Friday night.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your laundry skills are probably okay, but as you're a zodiacal nonentity, they aren't really relevant, are they?
<shrug>
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Rice and beans are the new black. Or maybe they're the new cheeseburger.
I don't know what the vegetarian analogue of a cheeseburger would be.
Unless rice and beans are the new cheeseburger, as is suspected in a previous sentence somewhere, there, so maybe that's it.
You might want to stick to the mash and cheese.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your brain, last week Canadian-ised, is settling down this week in Bermuda.
While it's off, take this opportunity to do all those things you've always wanted to do... like, ehm, sit around, and, you know, like stuff.
[Horoscopes. An old favourite.]
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