Taurus April 20 - May 20
Do not leave your hair like that. If you've already left the house, please return, at once, and get that hair sorted.
Flump.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A walrus and three field mice will serenade you with the dulcet tones of "Happy Birthday" this week.
If it is not your birthday this week this will feel rather odd.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Pasta is extremely difficult to get out of drapery-type things.
Geronimo your fruit bat is a very, very naughty fruit bat indeed.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Empty your rubbish on Wednesday this week.
Do not feed the stray at that wanders into your bedroom Tuesday or Monday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You may have just sat on something extremely sticky.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful Cancerian... the most beautiful Cancerian in all the land.... but then I'm gushing.
Asking for a second opinion, Saturn, Jupiter, Venus, and Mars all thought so too. And I think Neptune was just jealous.
This week you will win the lottery.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be very very sleepy this week, very very very sleepy.
Oh no, wait, that's me.
You'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed this week, though no need for the silly costume to rub it in, really.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Cinnamon is the most important spice of the day.
And ginger, if it's a spice, is the least important spice of the day. Write that down.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You lose your luggage this week.
This wouldn't be a major problem, if you hadn't kept your special functions suit in it.
You'll especially miss that suit on Thursday, when a special event pops up without warning, and catches you unawares.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You're not ever caught unawares, it has to be said, but then you don't have a horoscope, and people laugh at you behind your back.
Ehm, not us, though. We've just heard stories.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are a tiny soap bubble this week.
Maybe, if you're lucky, with bubbles inside of bubbles, which is probably the neatest thing you can do, as a soap bubble..
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be very far away.
Not from your perspective, maybe, or maybe you will, either which way, stop arguing with me about it and just accept it.
You will finally get some sleep by Saturday. Maybe.
[Horoscopes. Old, but still cool. Like us. Erm.]
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