Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your grandmother will do you proud by learning how to suck eggs without any help from yourself.
This leaves you free to do many other things you'd been meaning to do.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This should be a mellow week for you.
An out of control paintball campaign will stampede through your living room, though, and you will be claimed as a casualty by the blue team, red, green, and purple (though purple never hit you, it was just a combo of the other assailants).
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Erm, bad news. That truck for Macy's last week apparently was running a bit late.
The fruit truck that crashed instead might have made a bit of a mess on the outside of your house last week.
The fruit bat that nests in your attic is also not a wonderful byproduct of last week. You name it Geraldo.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will notice yourself jiggling a little bit this week when you walk.
This is Saturn's influence.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will acquire supernatural burping powers this week.
What a bummer of a supernatural power, eh?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your salary demands are too low.
The offer you receive Tuesday should be accepted.
This does not pertain to newspaper clippings or coupons.
Remember to eat something before going in to work this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep that bucket of water you find by your bed (and can't remember how it got there). It'll come in handy on Friday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your best option, really, if you want the least amount of hassle, is to go off and join Hermit Bob up in the forest at the edge of town.
There you can apprentice and hopefully strike off as a hermit of your own one day.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Kids can be mean sometimes.
Crickets can also be mean, when provoked, and you have to fight to repress a chuckle when a mean little kid from down the road is beaten up by a giant mutant cricket it had been tormenting.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sing for your supper, swabby!
Ehm, I mean, erm, you have no horoscope this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Note that above the stars were referring to the insect cricket, not the thing where a load of men get dressed in white and stand about on a lawn for days on end while some other man standing on the lawn dressed in different clothes counts to two hundred or so.
You will have a hippy week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be rudely awoken on Sunday morning. Very very very early Sunday morning.
It may please you to discover you still harbour some of that ancient predatorial instinct that the fish that first crawled out of the ocean which you descended from must have had when that buzzer rings.
The cab driver you'd ordered may not be so pleased.
[Horoscopes. Things are not lookin' rosey in Lahinch this week. For those of you in the US, please don't let this bill they're talking about pass.]
|
