Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are unique. Like a flower that's unique. Or a pigeon that's unique. Like a llama that's also unique.
This is why finding clothes this week is such a hassle.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your trouble finding clothes this week may have something to do with the paper bag tied around your head.
Unless your sense of touch is enough to get you out of the house, down the road to the shoppes, into the correct shoppes, around rabid shoppers down for the sales, and into the correct bins/racks, you're not going to have a whole lot of luck.
The paper bag may be metaphorical, in which case, people will wonder why you're stumbling around waving your arms about.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You won't have any trouble finding clothes this week.
On Tuesday, a truck bound for Macy's overturns near your house, splattering your neighbourhood with this autumn's fashions. A few of the smaller dogs in the neighbourhood are claimed as the sole fatalities in the crash, when they get buried under mounds and mounds of synthetic fibre slacks.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have an intense urge to become a naturist this week, considering all the trouble people above seem to be having with finding clothes this week.
The only things stopping you are a) a slight sense of embarrassment about your naked body and b) three very large people outside who keep shouting "Do NOT strip naked, do NOT strip naked!"
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You look like a pineapple tree.
This message/insult is from Saturn, who was feeling confrontational.
The best thing is to just ignore it and maybe pick on someone smaller than you. Make sure they're less dense (mass-wise) than yourself, as well, especially when dealing with celestial bodies.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be browned and slim after this week (not that you weren't browned and most definitely slim already).
Again, same problem with the jokes as last week, though.
You will get the strangest urge to do loads and loads of cleaning on Thursday. And you'll enjoy it, which'll be stranger than anything, prompting you to quit your job and just go around cleaning up people's flats.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Mushy green peas will rain down out of the heavens on you this week.
You have a feeling this may have been one of the plagues in the Bible, but don't really want to run in the house to get a Bible out to check. Nor will they let you in the library, all covered in green peas.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your insistence that you be called "Jimmy the Fish" by all your friends finds you reaching 100% of your target (the target being all your friends calling you by that name).
Of course, it's reached by having all your friends refuse to talk to you again, but there you have it. Winning at any cost.
Libra September 23 - October 22
If you flap your arms hard enough this week you will be able to fly.
Ehm, just don't try this from too high a spot. You never know, you may be afraid of heights.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If a horoscope falls in the forest and there's no one round to hear... wait, I think we used that one already.
You have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be gifted with extraordinary, possibly supernatural bowling skills this week.
This is what happens when Neptune moves into your House of Lizards.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you meet a man in the road and he happens to be carrying seven sacks, and hails you with, "Hey, let me tell you about my seven wives," run.
Preferably away, though if you want to run toward him you may want to lower your shoulder, American football or ice hockey style, and knock him to the ground.
If the man asks you, "Are you the Buddha?" don't say yes, even if it's in your nature not to say no to anyone.
If he says anything else, you're on your own. Sorry.
[Horoscopes. Follow what went on at MacWorld]
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