Taurus April 20 - May 20
Ribbit, ribbit.
This will all make sense on Thursday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The sun doesn't shine on monkeys on parade.
This goes for wet monkeys, too.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A wireless djinn will appear and grant you three wishes.
The first one you may want to use on hoping wireless djinns are safe, and not going to irradiate you or anything.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have one of the loudest burps you've ever had in your life this week.
Not terribly exciting, I know, but there wasn't a whole lot else going for you this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This will be the most miserable life of your week.
More miserable than that time Richard Simmons and Liza Minelli had to crash on your couch
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be browned and slim after this week.
Hopefully, for you, you get the desirable browned and slimmed, and not, say, the torture camp version.
With some of the jokes you may hear this week, you may debate what constitutes torture camp.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A whip, a fruit bat, and three fish named, respectively, Jimmy, Bill, and Suze, will dominate your week.
Not necessarily in that sort of way, but it may yet come to that.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Hotpants are so not you this week.
The week after, however...
Libra September 23 - October 22
Cheese will play a vital role in your week.
Don't forget to bring marmalade.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope, I have no idea why you're still reading, after all this time, but there you have it.
You've certainly shown perseverance, if not, dare I say it, pluck.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Cluck like a little fuzzy chicken.
It'll make you feel better, and you know you want to.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hotplants are so not you. Hotpants, on the other hand...
You need to learn to express yourself this week.
Speaking in complete, coherent sentences is a wonderful start.
[Horoscopes. And they answer all your DVD questions.]
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