Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your flair for plate-throwing has you spotted by a Greek island talent scout and before you can say "Spider monkey" you're whisked off to a Greek island to chuck plates at tourists.
You're a little nervous that your skills, which had been until now only recreational, might not be up to snuff, professionally. This worry consumes your week. It makes loud slurping noises.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The coconut doesn't fall far from the tree, either.
You wonder why no one ever thought of that.
Probably because they were more thinking, "Ah! Look out for the coconut!"
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You spend a large portion of your week hanging around the mall, attempting to tell people about how you're the 17th Earthly incarnation of the Dalai Lama's younger brother Steve.
You don't get a whole lot of voluntary listeners, except for some other guy who, when you're finished, begins telling you about his various medical problems, most of them involving corns, which he's willing to show you, he says.
After escaping by throwing the old escalator fake on him you reconsider whether not Steve would really tell everyone who he was, 17th incarnation or not. You figure Steve may have been happy sitting at home, gardening occasionally.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a dark time for Geminis, I'm afraid to say.
Luckily, unlike the last dark time for Geminis, which was in the 1800s , you don't get burned at the stake. So count your blessings.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will drink far too much tea this week.
If you don't like tea you will drink far too much something else this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You're a bit annoyed you didn't get the job in Greece for plate-throwing.
To show your displeasure, you rifle through a few, but it always reminds you of the Greek job, and that just sends you down a downward spiral.
Halfway through the week you try going up the downward spiral, just to be contrary and stubborn.
John Keats meets you halfway and tells you to go down, but you punch him in the stomach with one of your patented punching moves and run past the wimpy poet.
When you get to the top you just see a rabbit and a merry-go-round. This is hugely disappointing, you note, but not as disappointing as the plate thing, so you spin around for a bit and get really, really dizzy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have hidden your house keys under a rock in the front yard.
Unfortunately, your neighbours have recently brought home a badger that's also decided it likes sitting under that same rock.
Not that the keys decided to sit there, after all, you put them there, and your house keys aren't, sadly, telepathic, nor do they particularly care where they sit, though they do seem to have a reluctance to be in your pocket when you need them.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Mind the charging rhinoceros on Thursday this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
"Let them eat sponge cake," you'll say, to put a bit more detail into an otherwise fine historical quote.
The resounding 'No' you get back makes you think maybe that's why she didn't get more specific.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Why is the sky blue, indeed?
You still have no horoscope, no use trying to sneak that one past me.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sometimes a fox will eat it's own leg off if it gets caught in a bear trap.
You can choose that route or you can maybe run screaming down to the doctor's or at least to your neighbour's house, where you can use his pair of metal cutters to get the thing off your leg. After all, you're not a fox.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will get strange messages from an old dishrag this week.
This is, apparently, what happens when you don't clean for some time.
And dishrag is not code for something else.
Cleaning is, though. Nudge, nudge, wink, erm, wink.
[Horoscopes. How're things looking out in Lahinch, where apparently summer is never going to come?]
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