Taurus April 20 - May 20
A gold lamé suit will find it's way into your week.
And it is wildly difficult to get that sort of thing out, let me tell you... not from personal experience, mind, but I had this friend once...
Leo July 23 - August 22
Remember to feel the heft of those oranges before purchasing. Otherwise you might come home with another cat, like a few months ago.
You never knew picking up some fruit at the store was such an ordeal as all that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have reason to believe, after certain documents come to light this week, that you are the 17th Earthly incarnation of the Dalai Lama's younger brother Steve.
You'd sort of hope something like that would entitle you to free cookies at the supermarket, but the checkout person is pretty well unimpressed.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are all you can be, you have seized all the moments, and are the pinnacle of all you ever hoped to achieve.
If you notice a discrepancy between this and your actual stage of life, you may be living the wrong person's life.
This doesn't surprise you, as you don't even know the name of the dog you've been walking for the last three weeks.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be particularly sensitive to talk around the water cooler this week, it could be your making.
Now, by being sensitive we don't mean you should stand there sobbing, unless that's what you were going to do anyway.
Also, the walls have ears, the desks have fingers. Watch out.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Back to the strawberries!
The vigilante strawberry and it's gang that showed up at your door two weeks ago, whom you had hoped to avoid, maybe, by fleeing the country for somewhere else, is back and ready for vengeance.
Vengeance is short lived for the strawberry and it's army, as you drop your suitcase on them inadvertently when you return home this week.
This is probably not going to endear you to the strawberry community.
However, you do note that the group of grapes outside your door have since stopped hanging about after they saw the strawberry massacre.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
An ice cream headache awaits you somewhere in the course of this week.
And, unfortunately, even this knowledge won't be able to prevent it. Sorry.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You might argue it might have been nicer if we'd lied to the Pisces above, or at least not told them about the impending ice cream headache and let them get on with their week without the fear looming over themselves.
You might, but you know what, if you did we'd give you a crap horoscope. Why this sudden interest in the well-being of Pisces, anyway?
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your dance of the week is the bebop.
Your hairstyle of the week is bob.
Don't eat any dodgy looking turnips.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The turnip advice goes for you, as well, and I'm really going out on a limb here, as I'm not even supposed to talk to you, let alone give advice, it could be my job, man.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Why do I always think 'mud' when I get to this horoscope? Is it the stars, having a bit of fun again? Is it some deep-rooted psychological association of Sagittarii and mud?
Maybe it's because my plant's just tipped over, spewing mud and things like it all over the wall and the computer.
Either way, beware mud this week. Or embrace it. See how it goes and pick one of the two options.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are a very, very lucky person.
Don't forget that.
Oh, and you will get a million pound advance on a novel you haven't even written yet this week.
[Horoscopes. 30 billion others. Worrying or promising?]
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