Taurus April 20 - May 20
You could have been wading in a pool of fish guts this week if you were incredibly unlucky.
As it was you have a lemonade on Tuesday and a chocolate bar on the Thursday. Nothing else at all happens. Well. Sort of.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are almost hit by a Taurian, who is running around, making noises like you suppose a person might make if they were pretending to be a train.
This is exactly the sort of incident where it's okay to give a disdainful look and not feel like you're missing out on some sort of fun. This will be apparent when the Taurus, after a slight and not altogether undeserved bump from yourself careers into a lamppost and collapses in a puddle on the pavement.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
One of the big things the Sharks, your new gang, believe heartily in (besides eschewing such words as 'heartily', which is just one of the more niggling reservations you have against joining, but you already have the jacket, so you're sort of stuck with it all) is in not allowing people to push other people off lampposts.
Or allowing them to push them off lampposts, whichever group which will, by you disagreeing with them, prove to be the more loudly supportable position. After some time on Wednesday morning shouting at a prone Taurus, formerly making train noises and now not making much noise at all, you and the Sharks turn your attentions to a nearby Leo who hadn't vacated the scene earlier when it would have made sense to only because it hadn't mentioned fleeing the scene in their horoscope.
You wonder if other street gangs do quite so much shouting all the time, as your throat is starting to become the slightest bit tender.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You start down one road this week, the road you thought was less travelled, only to find it full of a street gang shouting at a bunch of other people who look decidedly unlike a street gang and another group of people who seem to have collapsed in a puddle on the pavement.
Robert Frost, you agree, missed an opportunity to be quoted at length that little bit more had he written something else about pretending to remember he left his mittens or keys or something at that fork in the road after having embarked down one path and maybe trying to find a payphone on the way somewhere so he could get someone to come out and pick him up.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
As suggested, you find V in Malta. In fact, you don't even go there, you just heard she/it was there, and so you didn't bother.
Now if only Thomas Pynchon had tried the same trick.
This week you get it in your head to search for the lost City of Atlantis.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are off somewhere far far away this week. You have the distinct sensation that someone is missing you intensely and wondering just how the dishes are going to get washed seeing as how you're far far away from them.
You'd better not come back with a tan, is all I have to say.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There is a funny smell coming from under the stairs.
You're presuming it's not going to be a comedic funny or if it is, it'll turn out to be Jackie Mason or something similarly unfunny in a funny sort of way, so you decide you can get by clambering out of your house via the window for the week until next week's horoscopes.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The policeman from last week pops round to make sure you're following the court injunction against you touching any more peanut butter after last week's incident.
It's a good thing he came round, otherwise, who knows...
Libra September 23 - October 22
Pay close attention to your finances this week.
Practise safe money management and you'll find yourself being all smug and smarmy like those people you normally despise. See what money can bring?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You switch to thinking about stars and how they're moving away from each other, according to some people.
One of these people is the butcher, who you don't think constitutes an authority on the matter, but he was right about the avocado allergy, wasn't he?
You still have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Wait a minute, actually, I think you were supposed to be the grasshopper or an ant, not a squirrel, last week.
My apologies, there was a considerable amount of pollution in the air that night.
This week you have a craving for gorgonzola.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You spend the week, sitting in your kitchen, staring at the sink, which seems to be piled high with dishes. After numerous metaphysical approaches to the situation, the sink remains piled high with dishes, most of them, sadly, dirty, and not looking likely to clean themselves, nor is any kind of lifeform that might take up the task apparently going to form, neither spontaneously nor through some process of evolution.
The one solution that would seem more and more bound to be satisfactory to all involved (yourself and, presumably, the dishes) would be for you to just leave the house and hope it gets burgled and they clean out everything, even the dishes, or it gets set on fire or an out of work maid pops round and, having been unable to vent her pent up cleaning energies due to lack of work, sets about your kitchen with a vigour almost unprecedented in your kitchen.
[Horoscopes. Wow, we never would have guessed.]
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