Taurus April 20 - May 20
You believe you are an electric train this week.
As such, you won't believe you're susceptible to the power of the stars... which will make you not an electric train this week...
Which will then again make you susceptible, being who you are, reading this, and you will become an electric train again... and you see the pattern...
Leo July 23 - August 22
Hit the duck, win a prize, hit the duck, win a prize!
Go on, try your luck this week!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will join a gang called the Sharks this week.
You won't have intended to, but you failed to read the small print on that jacket you fancied in the shoppe on Monday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You try your hand this week at organising, to cleanse the saying a bit, a bake off in a bakery.
This is remarkably difficult when drunk, and surrounded by people expecting something entirely different.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week is the first week of your quest for the mysterious V...
Which you embark upon even realising it's already been done before.
[Hint: you might want to start in Malta and save yourself a lot of trouble.]
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will regret that third strawberry you eat on Thursday.
You will understand why you'll regret it when it's brother and seventeen vigilante strawberries show up on your doorstep.
Your mind will race through telephone numbers of friends you have that may have had experience with this sort of thing before...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A random passerby will smack you with a mostly thawed fish as they ride by on a bicycle that looks like it was last used (prior to this fish-slapping trip) in the 1960s.
It is a truly random passerby, so there's no use guessing which passerby it will be that will attempt to smack you based on the passerby that happens to thwack your fellow Pisces.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your wisdom is challenged by a policeman who has to pry a jar of peanut butter from your hand.
It's just a good thing they didn't have to amputate, otherwise you'd have no comeback then.
Libra September 23 - October 22
If fidgeting were an Olympic sport you'd qualify based on this week alone.
Unfortunately, if it were an Olympic sport the qualifiers probably wouldn't start until next week in most countries.
And maybe then people on the bus sitting next to you would have been more understanding...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Isn't it amazing? In just under five years of the horoscopes you've never had a horoscope, save that odd episode two years ago where it all turned out to be a weird dream within a dream within a dream...
As you have nothing else to do this week, you think about that for a bit.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your stockpile of acorns for the winter will be depleted when all your friends get wind of the fact that you've got so many, and after a four day binge/party-like thing you'll be left with none, and be unable to enjoy the summer.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your wild enthusiasm about your new-found favourite sport, jet-skiing, does not, unfortunately, make it a suitable method for getting to work.
The local council and roadworks companies don't appreciate it, at any rate.
Now that the World Cup is over you can get back to normal life of waking up at sensible hours and remaining sensible for an entire day, much the way you don't remain when the pubs open at half past seven.
[Horoscopes. Ach, you boys in green. Let's see you again in Euro2004!]
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