Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will befriend a large invisible rabbit this week.
He likes going clubbing, and you'll feel obliged to accompany, as you don't want anyone stepping on him or anything.
This behaviour (defending large invisible rabbits from the clumsy feet of clubbers), of course, is encouraged, in most clubs.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Yellow is the colour of your week.
Not too garish a yellow, either. It suits you.
Hug a tree this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Okay, so I was mildly wrong last week. Or, more correctly, Mars was wrong last week, as it had had a heavy session of twirl-the-beanbag, a popular celestial game, the night before doing the horoscopes and things still hadn't quite normalised themselves.
This week the rain will come in from the west with a slight wind, making your corn crops slightly damp.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
I don't like that face you're making, knock it off.
The wind will change, freezing your face forever like that... or it could do, so stop it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Put that back this instant.
This is a week of turmoil for you, inner or outer. Maybe even both.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Jupiter was playing dice this weekend and lost your horoscope to Saturn with a reckless throw.
If it's any consolation, Jupiter also lost three of it's rings and owes Saturn a chocolate milkshake.
You will meet a tall, darkish, sort of strange one at Heathrow on Friday. What you do with them is up to you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There is no way you're going to get far down the road if you keep up singing like that.
So either pull the headphones out or run really fast to the left... now to the right, oh, duck!
Aries March 21 - April 19
GOOOOOOAL! As you're trying to get back inside your flat someone chunks a ball off your head this week and it dribbles into your doorway.
World Cup fever, eh?
Turns out it's a rugby ball, so you can't blame it on that, really.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be very very good to your plants this week.
You never know when they might rise up and seize back the Earth, and it would be a terrible day for you if you'd been neglecting to water them.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
~Yes we have no ba-na-nas, to-daaaaaay~
~Ehm, hor-o-scopes, no hor-o-scopes to-daaaaaay~
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Like a badger on a pair of roller skates, your week is unbalanced.
However, unlike a badger you won't tear the curtains with razor-sharp claws in the course of falling down.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will face your greatest challenge yet to your imaginative well-being, as you will be forced to endure a sales conference with nothing but maybe the clothes on your back and a laptop with a broken AirPort card.
This is cruel, yes, but hopefully it's the stars being cruel to be kind, if you know what I mean.
[Horoscopes. If you're not watching the matches on the tele, you should be following Paul Doyle's commentary, at least.]
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