Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will awake Wednesday with a mild hangover and donkey's ears.
A phone call from your irate donkey neighbour down the hall will explain a lot of the unremembered events.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Pillows make excellent weapons in times of crisis.
And, if worse comes to worse, you can always duck behind them and withstand almost any assault.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The sunlight on Wednesday will remind you of the war years, on Kilamanjaro with only a toothbrush and your copy of Crime and Punishment.
Since you've never been to Kilamanjaro, you have to wonder where you're getting these dodgy memories...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Kicking a 10p (or quarter, depending on your locale), you'll find it appears to be glued to the pavement.
You bend down to take a closer look.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You almost run right over a Gemini, bending down in the middle of the pavement.
When you slow down to avoid the crouching idiot (as seen in the film) you see the writing on the pavement that the new sidewalk obstacle is apparently looking at, which reads "Danger, do not move this coin."
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You almost crash into two groups of people (comprised of Gemini and Capricorns, figures) on the pavement this week.
They're all just standing around, staring at the ground, which is mildly annoying.
What's more annoying is when a Gemini manages to get up a 10p coin they'd been digging at and a great hush falls over the world for a moment. (You warily gaze round at the suddenly silent world, as if you suspect someone's going to sneak out and try to tickle you.)
Pisces February 19 - March 20
After the briefest of pauses in which the atmosphere seems to have been put on pause (and you wonder if that isn't what's happened, when some old fella got up from watching some World Cup match he'd taped and he's just popping off to the loo and, due to a faulty remote, the entire world is put on pause, instead of just his tape of Costa Rica v China, and he's completely oblivious, and takes his time, maybe stops in the kitchen for a second to look in the fridge, pokes about in the larder for a little bit, not rushing because he's not realised he's got the world put on pause), the atmosphere and everything underneath it becomes unpaused.
The results are not pretty. And our advice? Run. Not that it'll help much.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You pop out of your flat to grab a quick sandwich or butter or something (you've already forgotten what) from the shoppe, and notice a rather disturbingly large amount of water and Gemini, Capricorns, Cancers, and half-heartedly running Pisces gushing from a point in the street.
On second glance, the point in the pavement (not the street, as you'd originally had it), isn't gushing people, but just water. Lots and lots of water.
This is your thought as the large wall of water (and various Zodiac signs) hits you: "Ow."
Libra September 23 - October 22
Outside your window you see an Aries cartwheel by gracefully.
You can't help but think to yourself this is not a good sign for the rest of your week, as you go into the kitchen to make another cup of tea and shove some towels underneath your door to keep out the sudden leak that seems to have developed in the hall of your building.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If people were looking to place blame in the midst of the deluge that's struck as a result of a thoughtless Gemini removing a 10 coin from the pavement, they'd probably be glowering at yourself, seeing as how you've always been jealous that you don't have a horoscope.
However, most of them are not focusing a whole lot on blame sort of things at the moment. So you're lucky, I suppose.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
That investment in edible life rafts you made some months ago doesn't seem to foolish now, you think haughtily to yourself.
Well, that's what you're thinking until you open the cupboard you'd stored them in to find some really rather fat rats.
A few hours later, floating down the river that the high street has become on a surprisingly buoyant fat rat you decide you can still feel some degree of haughtiness, just so long as the rat you're floating on doesn't wake up because your mate that had tied two of the buoyant rats to his feet had one of them wake up (and couldn't quite keep his balance, anyway) is going to have to go to the hospital, once the water subsides a bit.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You knew you should have started that surf baby army sooner rather than later, and now it's probably too late.
At least your plants seemed relieved at the massive influx of water brought on by someone pulling the cosmic drainage plug that was so blatantly signposted saying people shouldn't pull it.
It was also a good thing you shaved this morning (legs or face, either/or), as otherwise you'd look like some scruffy castaway type, whilst now you just look like a person who's been caught out by a freak cosmic flood. This look is only augmented by the plastic pants you just happen to be wearing.
[Horoscopes. Ehm, the obligatory World Cup link. C'mon you boys!]
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