Taurus April 20 - May 20
Semi-intelligent beans will resent the remark you pass, idly, on Tuesday at dinner.
You do not want semi-intelligent beans angry with you, especially as their spelling in the threatening letters makes it very difficult to make out with what horrible punishment they're threatening you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Stop roaring to yourself in that mirror and get out there in the real world and do it for real!
You may hate me and the stars for this advice at the time, slightly afterwards, and for the remainder of the week, but at least you got out and roared, who else can say that?
Remember to wear trousers when you're out roaring, it's not summer yet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You are in Los Angeles this week.
It must be some sort of informal Virgo convention or something.
You eventually come to the conclusion that you either don't like Californians or that being around that many Virgos really begins to grate on you after a while.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You're best off avoiding L.A. (this week and possibly at any other time, if you think about it), due to all the cranky Virgos running around.
Try and settle for either Rotterdam or Cincinnati.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Floss this week like your life depended on it.
It won't, but it's good to be enthusiastic about things, you know?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I'm sitting next to the most stunningly beautiful woman at the moment and having trouble concentrating, so you'll have to forgive the horoscope this week.
You will feel like singing this week. Your song may or may not have lots of la la la's in it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The euro will affect your life in strange and unexpected ways this week as one begins bullying a loved one.
It starts out innocently enough, with verbal taunts that are clever, if a bit acerbic, but will escalate into throwing stones and sticks at your loved one, possibly in response to their claims about sticks and stones may be breaking their bones, but words being okay...
One of the nights this week you will have a deep and concerned conversation with them about not using that saying any longer.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A monkey falls out of the tree and almost lands on you, possibly breaking something, you exclaim to passersby. You really need to do something about that monkey tree in your front yard, you say to yourself.
And you do, you know, one of these days someone's going to get hurt.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Plant a tree, save a whale, do whatever it is makes you feel good about your contribution back to the planet.
However, if I come out of the flat to find someone's planted another bleeding tree in the middle of the pavement I'm going to camp outside until I catch one of you buggers...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You'll wish you had a horoscope when what's going to happen to you Wednesday morning on the way to work happens.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This horoscope originally consisted of only spaces.
Just because we could, you see.
Don't open that package on Thursday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You almost choke on a horse-sized chill pill early this week.
You spend the rest of the week unchilled, but also not dead.
This is okay with you.
[Horoscopes. Are ye sick of World Cup news yet? Tell someone (as I did): Anata wa haru ichiban no sakura no yomi utsukushii.]
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