Taurus April 20 - May 20
Strawberry juice is either good at getting those stains out or will make them worse. I can't remember which.
Try lime juice first, if that works, go for kiwi juice, then strawberry. Maybe.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There is a very large hole in your living room wall when you wake up Tuesday morning.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A camel can walk for weeks in the desert without water.
In an independent test you carry out this week, you find one can only last two weeks and a day without water in your home.
You also find that your carpet lasts only about a day and a half with the camel.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The tuck and roll technique of leaving a room serves you very well this week.
It shouldn't be over-used, you'll note, otherwise you will wind up breaking your ankle attempting the maneuver out of a cab on Thursday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Mars in your Second House of Love makes things rather difficult for any potential love interests this week as it growls at them and yips occasionally whenever they pass by.
This will hopefully be fixed by next week, when Mars moves on to other things.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You seem rather pale, are you okay?
You get the distinct impression that the stars are hinting that your run of watching bad films (over twelve in a row now) may be nearing an end.
There may even be scientific evidence to support this, as a study coming out of Norway pertaining to the contours of the fjords and the correlation to the number of poor films you've had to suffer through recently seem to be in direct proportion.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't pick at scarabs, either, just in case you thought they were fair game to pick.
They're particularly prickly about that sort of thing. Moreso if you insist on calling them dung beetles.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The palm trees are always greener on the other side.
This is usually due to the other side using Kodak (tm) TruColour processing, and your side sticking with JobBob's generic colour processing. See the difference?
Libra September 23 - October 22
One thing you'll want to keep in mind this week: no matter how many people tell you you can, you can not fly.
Another thing, if you've still got brain cycles to spare, is that lemon juice and toothpaste together (or one shortly following the other) taste particularly vile.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Isn't it amazing? Thirty seven and a half years of this and you still have no horoscope.
You'd think it was some sort of conspiracy or like a weird game show or something.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Fuzzy socks are your greatest comfort this week.
Your second greatest comfort is an old penny you find. This sort of sums it all up, doesn't it?
If you don't see how it sums it all up, try thinking about it... socks, pennies, socks, pennies-- there, now don't you see?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A small trip down the wrong alley will have you transported to a magical land where... the landscape actually resembles a dark alley, complete with smelly rubbish bins and everything.
You will feel slightly ripped off, and considerably paler than you should be.
This lack of a tan will be commented upon.
[Horoscopes. Follow the boys as they head off to the Far East (with a stop in Sunderland)!]
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