Taurus April 20 - May 20
You don't have room in your kitchen for all the Belgians that have decided to join your country (and by yours they meant the country of you, not the country you live in, it seems), and you don't care let them in the living room.
You quickly run out of peanut butter.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Ps. Apologies for running you over with a bus two weeks ago.
That was not part of the surprise, honest.
Anyway, it was a small bus.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You sneeze very loudly this week.
You have a sneaking suspicion it's to do with that glitter Mercury spilled last week.
You wonder if you couldn't sue a planet for something...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are kicked out of the mushroom village for transgressing the bounds of good taste by having an illicit affair with the mushroom known only as "K", who turned out to be a cheese mould.
You sort of try to laugh it off like you don't care, but deep down you're hurt on more fronts than one.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Ah, not to worry, the noises and tentacle in your cupboard by the stairs was only an octopus making hurt noises because you'd run over it's tentacle with your vacuum cleaner.
You can now resume normal life. At least until your local cruelty to octopi society pops round on complaints of baleful octopus howling coming from your cupboard.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are like a hash brown this week.
Which means your arms have gone missing again... possibly over with the eggs...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You arrive to work in a Marilyn Monroe costume on Tuesday.
This causes some concern amongst the other people who have also shown up in a Marilyn Monroe outfit.
You all wind up having to sing "Happy Birthday, Mr President." Which is good, you can use the down-time to practise your pouting.
Aries March 21 - April 19
There is a distinct lack of colour in your week.
You might want to try some sort of colour-saver detergent for that.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You are like a dove. Which is smaller than a swan, so this may be a step down for you this week.
Or strut, or whatever it is birds do when they're trying to walk.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You manage to get ahold of a small thermonuclear device.
This is a shame, as you were looking for a basketball.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Swamp gas is a cause you decide to support for the week.
You are most decidedly interested in swamp gas' continued ability to appear in UFO-like formations in the nightsky.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Chicken.
[Horoscopes. Who killed gopher?]
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