Taurus April 20 - May 20
A small part of you will wish you took Mel Gibson by the ears when you had the chance and snogged him.
A large part of Mel is glad he doesn't read these regularly enough.
A medium part of Belgium secedes this week and asks to become part of your country.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Oh, I just thought of it, we missed out on your investments of two weeks prior, which only came to light last week, because of a special dispensation asking us not to mention them, in order to surprise you.
It was your Mum that'd asked us to keep it quiet, she said you loved surprises...
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Due to Mercury spilling a large tub of glitter, your week is very very shiney.
You just hope those little glitter things aren't toxic or anything.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are slowly learning the ways of the mushrooms, and you feel bad for labeling them boring at the outset of your mushroom adventure.
Except Bob the Mushroom, he really is just boring.
You think a brown-ish sort of mushroom that only goes by the name "K" might fancy you. This makes you feel tingly inside.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You spend the week huddled against the wall opposite the cupboard with the squishy tentacled noisy thing in it.
Which seems a bit of a horror film-ish thing to do, but there you have it. You have your next door neighbour bring you packets of crisps occasionally.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You probably have a lovely golden colour by the point.
So I want you to put the spray can of gold paint down, and step away, step away slowly...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A spoonful of sugar, when flung masterfully, can be more deadly than a killer pirhana, also flung masterfully.
Put either weapon in the hands of a master craftsman, though, and then you're talking a shootout to end all shootouts.
Don't walk around 10th Street this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Bleach will come in extraordinarily handy this week.
In Germany they call their mobile phones handies.
Coincidence, or plot to take over the world!? Find out next week!
Libra September 23 - October 22
That shock revelation of not having a canadian goose feather, in fact, pinned to your wing hit you pretty hard.
Well, you're still a beautiful bird, recover from the shock relatively quickly and end up having a fab week, white is such a good colour on you.
[This horoscope again, for the second week in a row, divined by a little piece of tinfoil with an uncanny knack for astrology.]
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Did I say you could speak?
No, I didn't. But, since I'm only the horoscope guy I suppose I don't have any say over things like that. Especially in your case, seeing as how you don't have a horoscope and all.u
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week, like all good scientific announcements, the accusation that you're to blame for the French Revolution and Ms. Minelli are dropped.
In fact, you're credited with inventing the antidote to Liza, which is, erm, cough medicine with lime juice in it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Please take your fingers out of your ears, please.
[Horoscopes. You need to get out more.]
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