Taurus April 20 - May 20
That is an excellent dress you've got on.
If it's not intended to be a dress well we have to commend you for the length of your t-shirts.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will become a thousandaire this week a result of speculative investments you made last week.
"Why didn't we point out these investments last week?" you might ask.
Good question, really... ehm..
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The world's population of Leos were just run over by a bus!
This suitably commands your attention.
It also has you search Google for bus-proof clothing shoppes, whether internet-based or brick and mortar.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A wicked witch turns you into a mushroom this week.
You find other mushrooms rather boring company.
However, the interesting thing is that they find you boring mushroom company.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The strange noises coming from the cupboard by the stairs have you mildly worried.
As does the squishy tentacle peeking out from underneath.
You know it's squishy because you had to pull it out of the vacuum cleaner when you accidentally ran it over.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are a flower... you are a flower... no, wait! You are a tidal wave, you are a tidal wave...
You are... ehm... mauve-ish pink in colour... sort of like an aubergine, if you were buying it from a grocer that apparently was Andy Warhol in a previous life.
You are a crinkly piece of tinfoil, with the sun shining off each and every little facet. Mind the evil clowns with big feet.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your mastery of throwing stars is not going as well as you might have hoped.
You might want to start out with bean bags. At least if you keep insisting on your assistant catching your throws.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Like a giant sun rising in the east you find yourself up way way too early on Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week you find that you're a swan with a canadian goose feather pinned to the tip of your wing, how special are you?
Oh, oops, that's just your foot sticking out, oh.
[This horoscope divined by a little piece of tinfoil reflecting Libra's stars.]
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Msst, msst, mhsssssst.
You have no horoscope, so the preceding shall not be deciphered.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
YOU!
The French Revolution and Liza Minelli are blamed on you this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will trip and cause much merriment for a whole generation of Egyptian warriors that hang out at the airport and watch for incoming planes from Norway this week.
And the funny thing is your tripping is almost as revelatory as a Norwegian airliner to them.
Which is to say... umm... I'm not entirely sure what that is to say. It's something, anyway.
[Horoscopes. Please go support Niall.]
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