Taurus April 20 - May 20
Fish. The fish have been talking about you behind your back.
Those little *blub* *blub* faces they're making when you turn around aren't just cute fish faces at all.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A popular songwriter in the eastern Andes will dedicate this year's worth of songs to you.
This makes you feel good, if a bit dismayed the bulk of them involve goat's milk in the lyrics in some fashion or another.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The path less trodden is the one with bushes and all sorts of stuff lying across it.
And probably like snakes and stuff hiding under the stuff lying about the path, so that's more than enough reason not to take that way. Or at least travel it a car or something.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
"Call me Pancake," says the mysterious voice down the line one evening this week.
When you don't, and just sit there going, "Hello? Hello? Who is this? What?" they hang up.
And you may never have the opportunity to call another person Pancake so long as you live. So much for seizing the moment.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Run with your desires this week.
Preferably your clothed desires, that is, as no one likes a streaker, necessarily.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be walking down the street and you will be whistling, maybe, maybe humming, or singing, if you're that sort of person (and we think you know what person you think you are).
And the street'll be one of those streets that have street-y sort of stuff all over them, like dirt, and soot, and stuff like that, and you'll be walking, maybe wearing tan-ish sort of trousers, which contrast with the whole sootiness of things around you.
And you'll stop one point, kind of brought up short by a shiney thing on the pavement ahead of you, and you'll stoop to examine it; a little piece of tinfoil, with five gummy bears in pristine condition inside, and decidedly non-poisoned (as your Gummy-Bear-O-Meter will tell you when you pass it over the packet of tinfoil).
This is how your week will go (in addition to being an actual occurrence of the week).
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your half-hearted attempt to win the hearts and mind of all the people of the planet fail miserably when you find out you can only afford ice cream for maybe twenty to thirty people at the moment.
You give up and attempt (also half-heartedly, though a good deal more successfully) to eat thirty tubs of ice cream yourself.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you leave your face like that and the wind changes you're going to be stuck like that, and then won't you be sorry?
Libra September 23 - October 22
DON'T STEP ON THAT!
Whew. You could have caused real problems for later in the week, when your Aunt Rita asks after her husband and your uncle Toby and it transpires he's been shrunk down to 3mm high and could have been on that thing you were thinking of stepping on.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I would love to be able to say you've got a horoscope here, all shiney and sort of slick-like. But you know what?
Nope. Not even an old scuffed one, I'm afraid.
Come back next week, though, I'm sure you'll have one then!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There is no significance to that writing on the wall.
The singing telegram you receive, however, is a different story altogether.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your chimp son will throw a bit of a tantrum on Thursday and fling all manner of unpleasant things against the walls of your home.
And you'd think you'd reprimand him, but then, he's a chimp, so what're you going to say?
On the other hand, buying him an ice cream to encourage him to "be himself" is also a bad idea, as, as the saying goes, "an ice cream thrown is an unpleasant thing, indeed."
[Horoscopes. A look into the future. And this whole iPod thing is getting a little out-of-hand, really.]
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