Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are pleasantly surprised by the normalness of this week.
Really. You go to work, you hang out, nothing untoward happens, really. You even receive a peck on the cheek from a complete stranger and they're not half bad-looking.
You're really, really dreading next week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're also wary of Taurus getting off scot-free like that, and especially what it means for your own safety...
However, it would seem you're in the safe zone, as well, as nothing too wild happens this week, unless you count your toast charring slightly on Tuesday wild.
And if you do you might not want to admit that aloud, lest they come and take your Leo badge away.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You feel extremely edgy all week, like you've had too much again like that time a couple of weeks ago, when you thought your eyeballs were going to pop out of your head for the force of your hands shaking with pure sugar joy. This is due to the somewhat subdued horoscopes preceding your own and the awful premonition that it was on your horoscope that it would all turn ugly.
The worst thing that happens is a cup of tea/coffee (depending, really) smells sort of funny this week, though.
Otherwise, there's an eery calm about your week, which unfortunately you're too tense to enjoy because you're afraid something horrible is going to happen.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
YOUR WEEK GOES HORRIBLY WRONG!
Just kidding. Your week is fine. And pleasant, really, if you can get over the shakes.
There is a flickering of the lights on Thursday, which also sends you into a wild frenzy, expecting the worst, what with the previous couple horoscopes being tame, but the worst that happens is you break a glass and a nice chair in your panic.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Someone appears to be stalking you this week.
This appearance is largely due, however, to your paranoia that what happened to Geminis will happen to you.
The sort of awkward bit if explaining why you threw a jar of canned beets (go figure) at a random person standing on the street corner while you shout "Stay away from me!".
It's made more awkward by you having to run away quickly as the person gives chase.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Worried yet? It's like a giant game of Hot Potato, isn't it?
Your week goes well, in fact, as you've always been good at that game, even if you did cheat by coating your palms with a thin layer of glue before engaging in the game, going so far sometimes as to coat your hands in glue if you thought a game of hot potato would erupt at any point during the day.
The upside of this, in terms of this week, is that you won't leave fingerprints, so if you were planning a ank robbery, or even thinking idly of one, this would be the week to go for it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
~ One potato, two potato, three potato, four... ~
You trip and stumble on a tiny crack in the pavement on Wednesday and for one moment you'll think that it may, in fact, be you that's the victim of whatever horrible Fate seems almost sure to befall someone this week, but you recover with only a mild twist of your ankle. After you recover your breath is when you start singing the one potato song.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're stuck in a tree, which you had been in previous horoscopes, and somehow you've returned to the tree.
That being the case, you're not terribly worried about everyone else's fragile mental state with reagrds to the pending doom.
The monkeys seem far too randy for you to worry about much else, really.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You spend the week sitting in a very large, very comfortable chair worthy of Sherlock Holmes, and ponder whether or not the fact that Aries were stuck in a tree constitutes the horrible sort of thing that usually happens to someone by this point in the horoscopes.
You're a bit too worried to enjoy it, as if you get out of the chair you might find your guess that it might be the case was wrong and you might get hit by a bus or something.
So you spend the week in the comfortable chair and will find that when you get up on Sunday you've got comfortable chair sores on your bottom, which makes the very end of your week rather unpleasant. But welcomingly bus-free.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope, so you're reasonably comfortable about your week.
Well, more comfortable than if you'd had to spend it sitting on a pincushion full of pins.
On fire. As it happens, you do spend the week on a pincushion.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are all muddy this week.
Luckily, none of this is up your nose, as I don't know if you've ever had mud up your nose but it can't be pleasant.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You wake up on Tuesday feeling... well, feeling like it's not Tuesday, or perhaps it is Tuesday, but in some alternate universe, where Tuesday feels a bit more like Friday. Or Monday. Just not Tuesday.
You are also, you find when you manage to stumble over and look in the mirror (you never have been a morning person) a bit surprised to find that you're a teddy bear!
After the initial shock wears off you go back to bed, as that's the prerogative of teddy bears to do that sort of thing.
[Horoscopes. We can follow you around now, thanks to the kids at Ambush. Like your own personal astrological stalker.]
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