Taurus April 20 - May 20
The postman will ring twice this week.
The milkman will unfortunately be somewhat less than cordial and chuck bottles of milk at your doorstep, rather than placing them nicely. Must have been something you did.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Monday would have been the best day of your life, if you'd known ahead of time what we know now.
Unfortunately, these were late, and it wound up only turning out mediocre. Sorry about that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your horoscope seems to invariably contain vegetables in some manner or another (including this self-referential reference), did you ever wonder why?
It's because Virgo wants you to eat your vegetables, damnit!
Sorry, it's just that Virgo tends to worry if you're eating enough these days...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Two wrongs in the hand is better than a bird in the bush.
This advice, when followed properly, will see you two jellybeans ahead by the end of the week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will wear a silly hat this week and like it.
This may be metaphorical, or this may be an actual hat. And actual liking. Of it.
Only experiencing it will tell.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will wear the black trousers this week, you will wear the black trousers this week (is it working yet?)...
While these are not suitable for horseback riding in the country, they are quite suitable for many many other things, probably, though they didn't come with any trouser-suggestion-guides or anything, so it makes it rather difficult to say, really, what you should be doing this week.
You have a good mind to ring someone up and ask them why the heck trousers don't come with instructions. Darn it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Two plus two make six this week for you, due to daylight savings time kicking into effect.
If daylight savings time hasn't kicked in where you are, or you're not sure, just assume maths can carry on the same.
Students, extra credit for pointing out this mathematical discrepancy to your professors (even if they don't happen to be maths professors).
Aries March 21 - April 19
Ocean-going ferrets are no more pleasant than regular ferrets, you find.
This little bit of knowledge is gleaned, funnily enough, while sitting on a porch swing this week.
Who would've thought it?
Libra September 23 - October 22
You've always been a bit of a self-motivator, but that tendency gets somewhat out of hand this week.
And you look ridiculous with a chocolate cake dangling from a string attached to the brim of your oversized hat.
You'll get no compliments on the hat this week, as well, which might be the most painful thing of it all.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like a red-bottomed chimp without a horoscope, you will be without a horoscope this week.
This revelation doesn't hurt quite so much as you thought it might.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
KABLAMMO!
Right before your very eyes you've just witnessed the first ever instance of a horoscope blowing up.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Someone may be attempting to kill you.
Don't panic, and don't look over your shoulder, but it may be that guy in the red jacket.
Otherwise, your week will be okay, y'know? Oh, except for Thursday. Thursday may suck a bit. Unless you're walking on the north side of the street, in which case it might not suck.
[Horoscopes. If you haven't already, go get this. Or this, if you have to use another OS. And, to cap it all off in our laziness of a week, see proper programming secrets.]
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