Taurus April 20 - May 20
Large men with hammers and tattoos are to be avoided this week.
Especially if they happen to be shouting your name. Or running at you. Or if any of the tattoos contain derogatory material about yourself.
Otherwise your week will be fine, just fine.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are a lion. You really, really are.
So go out and roar like one, even if you feel a bit silly.
Just don't do it around my house, otherwise you'll be a patch of lichen in next week's horoscope.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Too many monkeys in the lemon tree spoil the soup.
Ponder that one this week, and I want a damned good analysis next week out of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be hit by a very large meteor(ite - as it's come to Earth, unless you're somewhere else, in which case take off that -ite bit, though we can't imagine a scenario in which that'd be the case ourselves).
Sorry, but those are the breaks.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This, as is the case with most weeks, is a good week for lying around the house and letting the maid do all the work.
This is slightly more difficult if you haven't a maid, but it's a skill which can be learned with much patience (and little care for cleanliness).
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will note the number of invitations to people's houses you receive is in sharp decline.
This may be down to your habit of tearing up their rugs (strictly floor-based ones, and not, say, head-based ones commonly referred to as toupees) to see if they've wood floorboards underneath.
Mercury asks, "Tennis this weekend?"
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Do not mess with that green patch that makes an appearance on your welcome mat on Wednesday.
That would be a grave, grave mistake. Unless it's just Jell-O (tm), in which case it's okay to just clear it off.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You pick up a car for peanuts this week.
It isn't until Saturday, though, that you realise the reason you got it so cheap was because it's possessed by the spirit of Donny Osmond.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Venus decides it's sick of your whining and sets fire to your couch.
While you're watching television, which makes that exercise rather awkward.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Look, over there, to the East!
Oh, no, sorry, I'd thought that was a horoscope for you, but I was wrong, it's only a baguette.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone will sidle up to you this week, speaking Esperanto. Or at least you think it's Esperanto.
They may just be mumbling to themselves about things. In Esperanto.
You are almost assaulted by Basque nationalists before they realise you're not the one speaking Esperanto.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're banned from hunting whales this week.
This is, at long last, to bring you into accordance with the rest of the world, who have a ban on huntings whales, as well.
A few Japanese fishermen send you mails of commiseration.
[Horoscopes. In the beginning was the command line... so don't you forget it... ehm, and then along came the picture (for broadbanders, sorry).]
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